If you are a person who has engaged in or who plans to engage in cunnilingus, do yourself and your partner(s) a favor and read this book.
I heard about it first in a Sex Nerd Sandra podcast, and have heard / seen it mentioned on other podcasts and sex websites since, so I finally decided to read it. It’s heteronormative and written in a super cheesy self-help book style; the author makes eye roll-inducing allusions to philosophers and writers to emphasize his points, and the entire introduction is dedicated to selling you on reading the book you’ve already purchased. However — once you get past the intro, She Comes First is pure gold.
Why? Not because of the routines, although the author does lay out several gloriously descript step-by-step routines. Not because of the detailed anatomical diagrams and explanations of the various parts of the clitoral network, though those are also included and pretty bad-ass.
It’s because the author, Ian Kerner, takes the time to drop some knowledge on us that is imperative to the enjoyment of cunnilingus. While I was reading it, I just kept saying to myself, “Yes. Yes. YES! Do people really not know this?” And then I realized: People really don’t know this. He talks about things that I always assumed were just common sense, but upon reading the book have realized aren’t common sense at all — otherwise, they wouldn’t be included in this book.
- A woman’s entire body – not just her vulva – is an erogenous zone.
- More foreplay = more arousal. I cannot stress how much this bears repeating. “But, but…” some of you might be saying. “Cunnilingus is foreplay.” Not if you’re a queer girl! Personally, I consider foreplay to be anything that happens before direct genital stimulation. Things like kissing, caressing and nibbling various body parts (see the first bullet point), talking dirty, etc. The more aroused a woman is before you go down on her, the more likely she is to climax.
- It’s important to pay attention to the entire vulva, not just the head of the clitoris. The clitoral network is vast and includes all parts of the vulva, vagina, and anus.
- It’s REALLY important for the bottom to know that she has all the time in the world because her partner is enjoying it; if a woman feels like her partner is in a hurry, she’s much less likely to enjoy herself or be able to relax.
- Oral sex – any sex, really – should be process-oriented, not product (orgasm)-oriented. Karen B.K. Chan would agree.
- Cunnilingus is most effectively done with the bottom laying flat on her back (not in a crazy porn position) with her legs close together, not spread really wide (of course, there are women who are an exception to this).
11/20/14 Update! The author of this book, Ian Kerner, was recently a guest on Sex Nerd Sandra’s podcast and he was completely delightful. He was unassuming, soft-spoken, intelligent and warm; listen to the podcast here.