This student fucking needs to stop, you guys.

Lots of profanity coming your way!

I was watching last Thursday’s The Nightly Show a few nights ago, and a couple of things really upset me.  The topic of the evening was the recent slew of female teachers (sweet mother of god, why are there so many of them?!?!?) having sex with their male middle and high school students.

The first thing that bugged me was that the group mentioned the double standard regarding gender and sex with minors, but didn’t really address it in any way except to say that they had no problem with the female teachers in question getting a slap on the wrist for bangin’ their kids, but if it were a male teacher having sex with female students, we should “lock him up” for good.  I’m much more bothered by the fact that this double standard exists than by the fact that the guests were being flippant about it; it is, after all, a comedy show. 

So here’s the thing.  Teachers shouldn’t be fucking their students.  Period, full stop, the end.  Hey, teachers!  I don’t give a shit what gender you identify as.  I don’t give a shit if that student is technically of legal consent age.  I don’t give a shit if that student isn’t in your class.  I don’t give a shit how attractive the student is.  And I definitely don’t give a shit if the student came on to you first.  Being a teacher means being able to make big girl decisions.  You are a trusted authority figure and there is a discernible power discrepancy between you and that student.  If you can’t manage to harness the will power to keep it in your pants until the student graduates, then you shouldn’t be teaching.

I recognize teenagers as people with sexual desire and sexual agency, fully capable of making responsible decisions.  But I also recognize teenagers as people who are in hormonal flux and generally more susceptible to the power of suggestion than adults are.  Something that’s often taught in teacher training programs is that a teacher should never engage in a power struggle with a student when (s)he’s angry because the teacher is the one in charge — the adult.  The one with the power to reward, punish, give scores, and make a tangible impact on the student’s life.  I think that concept applies here. 

When I was a senior in high school, I was quite taken with a young PE teacher at my school, fresh out of college.  I was 18 and he must have been… 23?  I wore revealing clothing, flirted with him shamelessly, talked to all my friends about how badly I wanted that guy’s dick in me, and gave him the sex eyes every time I passed him.  I knew exactly what I was doing, and I’m very thankful that he never even looked at me inappropriately.     

Tying into this, the second thing that irritated me was when Mo’Nique said that she couldn’t fault the male students because boys were just natural horndogs; her exact quote was, “At sixteen, a boy is just looking to get laid; a girl is looking for love.” 

FUCK. THAT.

I was stupid horny when I was sixteen.  I had sex all over the place and as often as I could, and not only that — I craved it.  I masturbated frequently and fantasized during class.  I had a sexual bucket list (anyone remember that 500 question purity test that was floating around the internet in the mid-90s?).  This girl was looking for hot sex.

Mo’Nique was trying to say that it’s no big deal if a male student has sex with a teacher because he’s not emotionally invested, but it is a big deal if a female student has sex with a male teacher because she’ll end up hurt.  I find this highly problematic because it implies that men have no feelings.  And that’s some bullshit.  Boys and men want to be liked and wanted just as much as girls and women do.  They feel and express love, regret, hurt, and desire.  They are as vulnerable as their female counterparts. 

There’s a reason teachers call their students their kids.  They feel like our children because ideally, we want to protect and encourage them.  We want to help them learn, grow, and become amazing adults.  We want to foster their curiosity, take care of them when they need help, and be there for them. 

Teachers: if you wouldn’t fuck your children, then don’t fuck your kids. 

Also, I’d really like this blog to show up on a search engine one of these days, and if you keep fucking your students, then my dream will be merely made of pipes. 

Needle in a Haystack

A couple of weeks ago, I did a search on OK Cupid for all the gay and bisexual ladies within one hundred miles of my city, and eighteen came up.  Yes, you read that number right: eighteen.  One is a woman I’ve slept with (and prefer not to again), four of the women are ex-girlfriends of friends, four are friends I’m just not attracted to, and the rest are either way too young (I have zero desire to date anyone who’s near the same age as my students) or have less than a fifty percent match with me — or both. 

I already knew it was a small community, but that’s really fucking small

So I thought to myself: “I’m bisexual (which sounds hilarious in my head as I type it — as though I’m saying, “Hey, I’m resourceful.”)… maybe I should make my account visible to men.”  Despite ALL THE HORROR STORIES I’ve heard from straight and bi female friends, I took the plunge and unchecked the box that would allow my profile to only be seen by self-identified LGBT folks. 

And then this happened:

hi! how was your day? did you enjoy it a lot??

hi i have interested in non-monogamy but I’m not the bi woman lol I’m straight but interested in you

Heyy Do u like asian cock?

hi

How are you doing?

Hey there ! Nice to meet you. I have been looking onto your profile and would love to extend the conversation further. Profile seems quite impressive. I’m kinda impressed by the way that you have described yourself.  If you are interested then we can talk further with a coffee or a meetup. Well, writing grammatically correct ?? I’m not sure about it. Have a nice day !

Hey how are you doing this morning

Hello dear, I hope that you are fine.

hi how are you?

Hi, where are you from?

Hello

hi nice to meet u~~^^

I should be careful not to make grammatic error 🙂 Hello \

You are awesome!!! Had to say Hi

Hi

hi, how are you

Hey there

Hello beautiful girl ….i will be very glad to get acquainted with you. ..would you like to talk with me I kinda hope you message me back because you seem really cool.
(Note: this person has a 41% enemy rating with me.)

what is your sexual preference?
(My reply: People who capitalize their sentences.)

Hello

That’s twenty messages in ten days from men that have absolutely nothing to say.  The PUA community says that online dating is a numbers game, so I guess that’s why men aren’t bothering to write anything of note.  Do these guys actually have nothing to say, are they too lazy to read profiles, or are they just willing to date anyone?  I am really curious to know: Who responds to this?  Are there actually women out there who write back to “Hey there”?  Also curious if there are women who send messages like this to men; all the messages I’ve received from gay and bisexual women have contained real content.      

In addition to these twenty messages, I received two messages from guys who actually read my profile and wrote something related to the things I said, and I was SO DELIGHTED!  At first, anyway.  One of them made a comment on a Star Trek reference from my profile but then followed it up with, “But I’m not that nerdy, so I really don’t know.”  I am that nerdy.  That’s why I wrote about Star Trek in my profile.  Good job, dude.  The other guy said in his question responses that a) he would never consider an open relationship (red flag number one) and that b) he wouldn’t be cool with a partner hanging out with an ex (red flag number two). 

OKC for straight people is a whole new world.  It’s kind of like a video game where you have to find your way through / around / over several obstacles in order to get to the next level.  Luckily, I AM a resourceful girl — and a proactive one.  I’ve had much better luck searching for people who I’m compatible with and sending messages to them.     

For now, I think I might go back to my preferences and re-check the “I only want my profile to be visible to gay and bisexual people” box — just for a brief reprieve from all the empty messages.    

If anyone out there has a hilarious or horrifying online dating story, I would love to hear it!

“Loving another without losing ourselves is the central dilemma of intimacy”: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

Image result for mating in captivity While I was reading Sex at Dawn, it seemed like every person I mentioned this to asked: “Have you read Mating in Captivity?”  I can finally say yes, and I am better off for it.  You may know Esther Perel from her excellent and highly popular TED talk about maintaining desire in long-term relationships; it has almost six million views, and that’s just on the TED website.  Obviously a topic many people care deeply about, as it affects most of us at some point in our lives.  I’m not in a long-term relationship, so I wondered how this book would apply to me, if at all.  I was delightfully surprised that it had a lot to offer single people by way of general relationship advice. 

Perel begins the book with the idea that we want both stability and desire in our relationships, but that we often forego one for the other, thinking for some reason that we have to.  We don’t, she argues.  We can have both if we accept that these things don’t necessarily happen at the same time.  She stresses that erotic desire naturally waxes and wanes over the course of a relationship, and that it’s normal to go through periods of intense desire and lowered desire. 

Within relationships, a feeling of comfort and security can often lead to boredom; Perel says that in order to rekindle desire, you sometimes have to let go of your security because eroticism is fueled by uncertainty.  She says that in order to build erotic desire you need separation — that separation begets connection.  “Our ability to tolerate our separateness – and the insecurity it engenders,” she argues, “is a precondition for maintaining interest” (p. 36).  Sometimes we need distance in order to become closer; furthermore, maintaining a strong sense of self and personal identity — that “me” rather than “we” — allows our partners to see that they might not know everything about us, and there’s something enticing about that mystery.  Sexual desire is fueled by yearning and elusiveness, and constant contact / co-dependence smother that desire.  She points out near the end of the book that our partners are not ours — admitting that they are choosing to continue to be with us of their own free will is paramount to preserving our attraction to them.

Some of the takeaways that I got from reading this book are:

  • Contemporary intimacy has too many expectations placed on it; we expect our partners to be everything to us, but that’s impossible.
  • If you want to fall in love with your partner(s) again, watch them doing what they’re good at doing.  Try to see them through a stranger’s eyes.
  • We can’t expect spontaneity all the time, and making plans creates anticipation.  Being intentional in our sexual lives is healthy and builds connection.
  • Sexual power play and negotiation can ignite erotic desire; these things create tension and foster creativity.  Being playful is a great tool to help nurture our desire. 
  • We’re always told to be giving lovers, but being selfish in bed once in awhile isn’t a terrible thing.  If we can be selfish sometimes with our partners, it’s a sign that we trust them; moreover, it can be a huge turn-on to acknowledge your own sexual needs to your partners.
  • When we view a lowered desire or libido fluctuation as a “problem,” then we try to fix it with sexual band-aids instead of looking at underlying causes, and that doesn’t help anyone.  Perel puts it this way: our sexual and romantic connections are a “paradox to manage, not a problem to solve” (p. 81).  We need to take the time to reflect on these connections.
  • Our communication patterns stem from how our parents communicated with us when we were children, and our childhoods “shape our beliefs about ourselves and our expectations for others” (p. 107).  The way we balance between autonomy and dependence depends a lot on the way we were raised.  

Hands down, the biggest and most important takeaway I got from this book regards communication style.  Perel devotes an entire chapter to verbal vs. non-verbal communication; she points out that intimacy based on talking has a female bias, and that men are at a disadvantage at times because of this.  That society values and expects verbal communication, but men are socialized to do rather than say (and to be invulnerable), so when they don’t verbalize their feelings, their partners are often offended.  “The pressure is always on the non-talker to change,” says Perel (p. 42), not on the verbal communicator to adapt to a different style of communication.  She emphasizes that we need to honor ALL of the ways we connect — by doing things for each other, doing things together, touching each other, smiling at each other, spending time in the same room quietly — not just saying how we feel.  She goes even further to say that sometimes the sharing of intimate feelings can be seen as coercive if there is an expectation that the partner returns those sentiments verbally.  As someone who is a very verbal communicator and easily expresses myself with words, I have been guilty so many times of not seeing the value in my partner’s non-verbal communication.  This book has changed that and will shape the way I communicate with partners in the future.   

In addition to all these incredibly valuable points, Mating in Captivity includes chapters on parenthood, erotic fantasy, non-monogamy, finding sexual desire inside of a partnership in addition to finding it outside of a long-term partnership, and the Madonna-whore complex.  The book is filled with real-life examples to support her theories and case study conversations with clients she’s had as a relationship therapist.  This is a useful book even if you’re not in a long-term relationship; the central ideas that run through the text alone are worth reading it for.  It’s beautifully-written and both deeply thought and felt.  Also, it’s just really fun to read.  One-click it now! 

(P.S. Esther Perel is hot, y’all!)  

Sex Doll in China. No, not *that* kind of sex doll.

Nanjing has a brand-new sex education tool: a giant inflatable woman geared to teach children about reproduction. 

Several things about this:
1) There’s a ball pit in the chest cavity… is this because kids will need the stress relief after looking at all those reproduction cartoons (gods I wish those cartoons were posted somewhere on the internet… I’m assuming that cameras aren’t allowed inside, just as they’re not allowed inside Mao’s tomb) with mom and dad? 
2) Her name is Ba Di.  No, really.  
3) Check out that skanky top (in Korea, showing one’s shoulders and back is still considered taboo, so I’m wondering if there’s a similar taboo the same in China) and green hair.  Hippie westerners are bringing the sex to China!   
4) You go in through the right foot, learn about sex [sic], and then come out sinister.  Hahaha!  Symbolism.   

If you’re interested in learning something real about the current state of sex education in China (Did you know that jacking it makes you gay?), check out this excellent and recent article from The Nation.    

Compartmentalization, Reverse Sex Shame, and Passing on the Orgy

A very drunk acquaintance approached me at a public function last weekend with this: “Hey!  I have to talk to you later.  There’s something I think you’ll be really interested in.”  From the way he lowered his voice and said this into my ear, and from the tone of his voice, I knew instantly that whatever it was he wanted to talk about, it had something to do with sex.  Intrigued and a bit nervous, I sought him out later and asked what was up.  He told me that he had recently attended an orgy and that it was amazing — that everyone was really cool and they all hung out the next day.  He thought I’d enjoy it and wanted to see if I’d be interested in joining the next time they met up.  I asked some questions: Did everyone discuss sexual health and STI checks beforehand?  Yes, he said.  How do you know these people?  They were random strangers who approached him on the beach last summer and wanted to hang out.  A tad dodgy, but I said I’d give it a think.

And I did.  I thought about it a LOT.  And the conclusion I came up with is: I’m just not up for it.  Immediately after I made the decision to pass on the orgy, I felt the weirdest and most unexpected feeling: reverse sex shame (shame for choosing not to do the sexy thing).  I’m someone who has talked about sex more than anyone really cares to hear about it my whole life, much to the chagrin of some partners and some of my more conservative friends.  I’ve encouraged everyone I know to me more open and experimental sexually; here was my opportunity to try something I’ve never done before with someone who is not only a person I personally know, but who’s also really attractive.  I’m going to say no, and I feel ashamed for it.  I feel ashamed for passing on a new sexual experience because I’m that girl that talks about sex all the time.  Even though the idea of attending this orgy makes me uncomfortable for several reasons, I feel like I should go and that something is wrong with me for not wanting to.  Reverse sex shame.  

Why the discomfort?  I’ve managed to spend five years in this country without sticking my dick in the neighborhood.  For five whole years I have not fucked one single person who hangs out in the expat bars I hang out in, so I’ve avoided small social circle drama (at least that social circle) and being the subject of locker room talk.  I feel completely comfortable being myself there because I’m not worried about getting into anyone’s pants or anyone trying to get into mine; it’s a safe space where I can just bro out.

Also, I’m just not an exhibitionist (at least not in groups / not while I’m sober).  I cherish my privacy and don’t even feel comfortable speaking in front of a room of my peers, let alone comfortable fucking in a room full of people!  Not much of a voyeur, either.  My kinks — and there are many– lie elsewhere.  I enjoy sex for the connection; even if it’s with a stranger (or two), even if it’s only for a night, I savor the feeling of closeness that comes from learning in depth about someone’s body and desires.  But even as I type this, I’m experiencing a very strange reactionary response to my own feelings and desire for intimacy.

I compartmentalize my life and spend time with a lot of different social groups; doing so gives me a sense of emotional security.  I deeply respect and admire polycules and people whose lovers and friends are the same people and who can be all, “We’re a totally fluid community and we have no labels or separate spaces and just transition seamlessly from one type of relationship to another,” but it’s not my jam.  I’ve hooked up with friends who I was incompatible with sexually and just went back to being friends, no problem… and I don’t look at these people every time we hang out and think, “Eek!  You’ve seen me naked!”  But because of where I know this guy from (sports bars where we hang out with a bunch of dudes), it feels different. 

Maybe it’s because I read so many books and listen to so many podcasts about sex that I’m feeling unnerved both that I don’t want to participate in this orgy AND that I’m feeling shame about that… I feel like there’s a giant question mark floating over my head asking “Where is this coming from?”

The (Not So) Sexual Politics of "It Follows" ***ALL THE SPOILERS***

I’m a huge horror fan, so I was stoked when this indie horror film from the US suddenly popped into Korean theatres mid-spring — seemingly odd timing for a horror film (even for Korea, which usually releases its horror films in summer), but given the monster in the movie, I’m hoping the release date was thematically intentional.

Spring is the season of love — of flirting, sex, and new relationships.  Once those buds start to bloom, the air gets a little bit warmer, and that freshly-cut grass smell hits our noses, we develop a spring in our step and start acting like ovulation is happening non-stop.  We wear less bulky clothing, showing off curves and muscles.  We start giving people around us the sex eyes.  And that’s why I think this is such a genius time for this particular film to be released — because the mark of a good scary movie is that it makes you feel like YOU’RE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME!!!

The creature in It Follows happens to be passed on via sex.  The concept is that there’s a supernatural being which follows the person It’s connected to (in an attempt to murder said person) until that person has sex with someone else, at which point the being passes on to the next person.  Well, until It kills that person — then It comes back to the person who passed It on.  It kills that person and then goes backward down the line of transmission until, we may only suppose, It kills every single person who has passed It on and It can finally take that vacation It has always wanted in Bangkok… an obvious place to vacation for such a creature.

Image result for nana plaza

Critics and reviewers of this film keep likening the monster to a sexually-transmitted infection (favorite review title: The Ring Meets Chlamydia), but in my eyes, it acts much more like a parasite (trich?) – only it’s the host’s job to find a new host.  Most STIs are asymptomatic for years if not forever; a lot of people never know they’re infected.  Pretty hard not to know something is wrong when there’s a dead hooker walking toward you in your kitchen.     

I found it interesting that the main character, Jay, chooses a guy who she considers to be objectively attractive (I cannot say I concur with this opinion) to pass the creature onto in the assumption that it will be easier for him to pass It to someone else — completely overlooking the fact that he doesn’t actually believe in the creature and also has the IQ of a third grader.  It isn’t until the end of the film when she decides to transmit It to a lifelong, trustworthy friend who happens to be much smarter and is actually willing to come up with a plan to kill the creature rather than rely on the ability of others to continue transmission.  (Maybe not the best plan — who decided it was a good idea to try to use electricity as a weapon in a place that’s supposedly abandoned? And if the electricity doesn’t work, how do the lights work?  And if the pool is abandoned, why is it so clean?!  Anyway.  I digress.)  Lesson: Always bang the nerdy guy.  
 
One of the most tired (but arguably loved) tropes in the horror genre is to use sex as a moralistic impetus for murder.  Teenagers are always getting offed once they get off.  So I lovelovelove that in order to stay safe in this film, the characters not only have to have sex, but also have to communicate (some are better at this than others) at some point during their sexual encounter in order to preserve their own lives. 

Does the film reward abstinence?  Not necessarily, as It could be transmitted via rape.  Does it reward the refusal to pass the being on — the refusal to put someone else in harm’s way to save your own skin (I.e., is the film making a moral judgment about people who have sex knowing that they have an STI and choosing not to disclose)?  I don’t think so, since in order to stay alive, the characters really have to disclose their status as The Followed (if you don’t know you’re being followed, you don’t know to pass It on).  More than focusing on sex, the moral compass of the film seems to center on choice, responsibility, and the loyalty of friends.

But Choosing To Do The Right Thing doesn’t save you, either.  At the end of the film, we see Jay and the nerdy boy who’s loved her forever (Paul, who I am begging the writer to tell me was named after the awkward and gangly best friend from The Wonder Years) walking down the street, hand in hand, having just killed It for good.  In soft focus juuuust far enough behind them so we can’t make out a face or distinct features is someone following them.

Image result for it follows     Because YOU CAN NEVER KILL IT!  Mwahahahahaha!

This movie is great.  The filming style, the soundtrack, and the homage to classic horror tropes with a new twist make it a very exciting watch.  Go see it!

Other possible messages the film gives about sex:
-Fuck all of your friends!
-Have all the gay sex you want!  Apparently this being is on a pretty straight trajectory.
Image result for jake weary it follows-Never fuck a dude who is for sure using a fake name.  Seriously – does this guy look like a Hugh to you?  Definitely not.  Ray?  Maybe.  Donny?  Sure.  Hogan?  Absolutely.  But not Hugh.  

P.S.  What if David Robert Mitchell and John Cameron Mitchell had a baby?  That kid would be awesome.