Needle in a Haystack

A couple of weeks ago, I did a search on OK Cupid for all the gay and bisexual ladies within one hundred miles of my city, and eighteen came up.  Yes, you read that number right: eighteen.  One is a woman I’ve slept with (and prefer not to again), four of the women are ex-girlfriends of friends, four are friends I’m just not attracted to, and the rest are either way too young (I have zero desire to date anyone who’s near the same age as my students) or have less than a fifty percent match with me — or both.

I already knew it was a small community, but that’s really fucking small.

So I thought to myself: “I’m bisexual (which sounds hilarious in my head as I type it — as though I’m saying, “Hey, I’m resourceful.”)… maybe I should make my account visible to men.”  Despite ALL THE HORROR STORIES I’ve heard from straight and bi female friends, I took the plunge and unchecked the box that would allow my profile to only be seen by self-identified LGBT folks.

And then this happened:

hi! how was your day? did you enjoy it a lot??

hi i have interested in non-monogamy but I’m not the bi woman lol I’m straight but interested in you

Heyy Do u like asian cock?


How are you doing?

Hey there ! Nice to meet you. I have been looking onto your profile and would love to extend the conversation further. Profile seems quite impressive. I’m kinda impressed by the way that you have described yourself.  If you are interested then we can talk further with a coffee or a meetup. Well, writing grammatically correct ?? I’m not sure about it. Have a nice day !

Hey how are you doing this morning

Hello dear, I hope that you are fine.

hi how are you?

Hi, where are you from?


hi nice to meet u~~^^

I should be careful not to make grammatic error 🙂 Hello \

You are awesome!!! Had to say Hi


hi, how are you

Hey there

Hello beautiful girl ….i will be very glad to get acquainted with you. ..would you like to talk with me I kinda hope you message me back because you seem really cool.
(Note: this person has a 41% enemy rating with me.)

what is your sexual preference?
(My reply: People who capitalize their sentences.)


That’s twenty messages in ten days from men that have absolutely nothing to say.  The PUA community says that online dating is a numbers game, so I guess that’s why men aren’t bothering to write anything of note.  Do these guys actually have nothing to say, are they too lazy to read profiles, or are they just willing to date anyone?  I am really curious to know: Who responds to this?  Are there actually women out there who write back to “Hey there”?  Also curious if there are women who send messages like this to men; all the messages I’ve received from gay and bisexual women have contained real content.

In addition to these twenty messages, I received two messages from guys who actually read my profile and wrote something related to the things I said, and I was SO DELIGHTED!  At first, anyway.  One of them made a comment on a Star Trek reference from my profile but then followed it up with, “But I’m not that nerdy, so I really don’t know.”  I am that nerdy.  That’s why I wrote about Star Trek in my profile.  Good job, dude.  The other guy said in his question responses that a) he would never consider an open relationship (red flag number one) and that b) he wouldn’t be cool with a partner hanging out with an ex (red flag number two).

OKC for straight people is a whole new world.  It’s kind of like a video game where you have to find your way through / around / over several obstacles in order to get to the next level.  Luckily, I AM a resourceful girl — and a proactive one.  I’ve had much better luck searching for people who I’m compatible with and sending messages to them.

For now, I think I might go back to my preferences and re-check the “I only want my profile to be visible to gay and bisexual people” box — just for a brief reprieve from all the empty messages.

If anyone out there has a hilarious or horrifying online dating story, I would love to hear it!

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