The Great Divide

I was at pub quiz last week telling a friend about the ridiculous spam messages I get on OK Cupid that say absolutely nothing, such as “hey whats up” (notice the complete lack of punctuation and capitalization) or “I like your picture, plz reply me I think we’d be good friends or more,” or my new favorite, “you are a graceful lady” (obviously the bloke’s never met me…).  As I was going on about how no one must answer to this shit, he starts laughing and says, “What are you talking about?”  I look at him quizzically.  “Why would I respond to someone who obviously hasn’t read my profile?”  I ask. He then tells me something which completely blows my mind: When he was on OKC, he got way more responses from a simple “hello” than he did from asking questions or writing profile-specific comments.  “In fact,” he went on to tell me, “If I did message women with more specific questions or comments, they never wrote me back because they thought I was weird.”  What. 

“Besides,” he continued, “No one writes a long profile, anyway.  Everyone’s profile is just a short series of sentences and doesn’t really say anything about them.”  I countered that immediately, because most of the profiles I look at are long and detailed.  “Let’s take a look,” he suggested.  I opened up my OKC profile (he couldn’t open his because if he went on OKC his “girlfriend’s friends would see him and then she would kill him,” which is a whole other can of worms) and started doing a search of women seeking men.  We looked at the first few profiles that popped up, and they all had long, well-written, detailed profiles.  “See?”  I said.  “People DO write a lot about themselves.”  But then, a little light bulb went off in my head.  These profiles were the first to pop up because I have my OKC search set up to rank the people who pop up in my searches from highest match percentage to lowest match percentage, meaning that all the people we were looking at had over a 90% match with me — meaning further that they were likely to answer questions saying that they were attracted to intellect and that grammar mistakes bothered them.  I told my friend as much, and he suggested that we scroll on to find people who had less than a 50% match with me.  So we did.

We started finding profiles that had lots of photos, but very little writing.  Profiles that had no punctuation in and around sentences, but LOTS of punctuation marks used as emoticons.  Profiles that were just a series of clichés. These were the women who would find it “weird” if someone actually wrote them something of substance. 

This left me wondering about whether there’s a direct correlation among online dating site users between profile length and the types of messages they send to new people.  I’d also be really curious about a correlation between objective attractiveness (e.g. facial symmetry) and the types of messages a person sends / what’s included in one’s profile.  It seems to me that the people I have lower matches with are more conventionally attractive (or at least photogenic).  I’m convinced of one thing for sure: I’m pretty happy with the logarithm they’ve devised if it’s matching me with other people who take the time to write specific details about themselves.  Now if only those women dated women…

Five ways masturbation can improve your sex life

It’s Masturbation May, and I think it’s important to note that jacking off does so much more for us than to allow us to feel pleasure in the moment.  It actually makes our sex lives better!  

1.  Being comfortable in your own skin
The more time you spend naked and appreciating your body (rather than judging it) and the powerful sensations that you can produce by touching yourself, the more comfortable you become in your own skin.  The more you love your own body, the more comfortable you’re likely to be with it in front of other people.

2.  Surprise!
You can learn new things about your body and what you like through touching different body parts in different ways.  I never knew that I loved nipple stimulation so much until I started doing it while wanking because my partners never paid that much attention to my nipples.   

3.  Communication
You can’t tell someone what you like if you don’t know what you like.  Masturbation aids in sexual communication because it helps you figure out what feels good for your body and what doesn’t.  As everyone’s body is really different, what feels good to you is likely different than what felt good for your partner’s last partner.  However, your partner won’t know that unless you do and can tell them.

4.  More masturbation – more sex!
How, you ask?  A recent study found that women who get more sleep are more likely to have more (and better) sex.  Masturbation relieves stress because it releases dopamine and endorphins; less stress leads to better sleep.  Moreover, masturbation can function as a way to get into your body and out of your head — something else that relieves stress.      

5.  Practice and experimentation
Want to work on making more (or less) noise while fucking?  Do it while masturbating first!  Want to work on g-spot stimulation?  Practice with your fingers!  Want to see if you can reach climax through nipple play?  Experiment with anal play?  Practice various positions?  These are all things you can do on your own first to build confidence and figure out how your body works before trying them with a partner — or things you already know you enjoy and just want to do more of / fine-tune.

I’d actually go one step further than this to say that masturbation makes our relationships better — and not just our romantic or sexual relationships, but all of our relationships.  I’m not a scientist, so this is purely theoretical; my hypothesis goes something like this:

Wanking – stress and pain relief / feelings of euphoria – relaxed mood – easier to be around and nicer to others. When we are in a good mood, we tend to be much more empathetic and generous. 

I’d also hypothesize that feeling responsible for your own pleasure and being able to depend on yourself for sexual pleasure rather than feeling dependent on another person is connected to a more secure attachment style!  

Now get to wanking!  

Getting What I Need (NSFR)

We fit together.  I’m the teaspoon and he’s the tablespoon.  He tells me a deep, dark secret and I press myself into him.  He cups my left breast with his left hand, I cover his hand with mine, and he holds me tight and holds me tighter. 

He woke me up at 6:30 with a raging hard-on, whispering in my ear, “I saw you lying there, and you looked so beautiful, and I had to have you again.”  We’d just gone to bed five hours before after fucking for hours.  I was sore, but I ached to have him inside of me again.  To feel his cock filling me up, twitching against my g-spot, making me gasp.  Making me cry out to gods I don’t believe in.  At one point he says to me, “Your hair smells nice… but your pussy feels better.”  Best thing I’ve heard in a long time.  We laugh.  We speed up, then slow down.  We soak my sheets in our sweat, and it’s not even hot outside.  We come together, him pressed into my back, my top leg carelessly thrown over his legs, his arm around me, fingers touching my nipples, my hand on the back of his head, my own head thrown back.     

Sometimes he tells me what to do, and it’s always exactly what I want to do.  He’s scared to hurt me, but I’m encouraging him little by little, and he’s game to learn.  He touches me softly at the right times and in all the places I want to be touched.   

He sends me text messages telling me that he can’t wait to see me, to touch me, to be near me.  We get each other so riled up with tales of what we’re going to do to each other the next time we meet that I have to stop whatever I’m doing and touch myself.

He kisses me in public and calls me darling.

He’s so strong and so vulnerable all at once, and beautiful when he’s sex-flushed.  He wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, but he is exactly what I need.   

The Lazywank and Sex Ed in the News

I was watching The Manchurian Candidate the other night (the original version with sexily-baritoned Laurence Harvey and some guy named Sinatra) when my hand absentmindedly wandered into my pants.  If you’ve seen this film, then you know it’s certainly not masturbatory material — in fact, it’s quite serious and (attempts to) elicit(s) profound questions about war and politics.  So it’s not that the movie turned me on or that I was particularly horny – I just started lazily grazing my outer labia with my fingers, not thinking anything of it, kind of like when guys cup their balls just because it feels nice.  Suddenly, I was drawing moisture upward and moving my fingers inward, and before I knew it, I was full-on wanking with my pajama pants around my knees, my back arched, and working with two hands.  I had to rewind [sic] the movie a bit, but it was well worth it.  It got me wondering: what other thematically-inappropriate movies have people lazy-wanked to?  By the way, Laurence Harvey and Leslie Parrish would be a great pair to have a threesome with.

My dreams are coming true!  A California court recently (finally) deemed abstinence-only curricula to be medically-inaccurate.  The article states that 40% of CA public schools still fail to teach about condoms, however, so it looks like the state has a long way to go.  That being said — as goes California, so goes the nation, so I’m hoping that this “Hey!  Look!  Abstinence-only education doesn’t work!” thing will start catching on.

This made me laugh so hard.  I hope they suspended her for not understanding how AIDS works and not for being honest.  I mean, come on — some of these responses are priceless!  When presented with, “Condoms are gross,” she replies with, “So are babies.” Genius!  My favorite by far, however, is “I don’t have a condom with me” / “I don’t have my vagina with me.”  Bwahahahaha!  This brings me back to when I was a ten year-old in the DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program; I wrote creative answers on a worksheet and got a C on it because I hadn’t just written the word “No.” Nancy Reagan was one strict woman.

Stop the presses! Rich white girls in trouble!

I was directed last week via Timaree’s Friday sex links to an article from the Sydney Morning Herald’s comment section about how online porn is turning young men into violent, sex-crazed hornballs who are now demanding anal sex from their teenage girlfriends; the subheading reads, “We need to educate and embolden our daughters to fight back against pornography, which is warping the behavior of boys.”  This immediately set off a red flag in my head.  No, two red flags.  First of all — the phrase “fight back against pornography” seems kind of funny to me.  I’m imagining a porn movie with its fists up in little red boxing gloves.  It’s important to create and support alternative pornography and to have critical discussions about pornography with young people… but the way this is phrased suggests that porn as a whole should be eradicated.

Second — how about we educate our boys about the differences between the sex they see in pornography vs. real sex?  How about we have critical discussions with them about gender roles, consent, the meaning of masculinity, and healthy relationships?  A program in Canada is doing just that, and it would be the greatest thing ever if that program were available everywhere.

Despite these red flags, I continued to read the article — a scare piece — and was shocked when I came to this paragraph:
    There was stunned silence around that table, although I think some of us may have let out involuntary cries of dismay and disbelief. Sue’s surgery isn’t in the brutalised inner-city but in a leafy suburb. The girls presenting with incontinence were often under the age of consent and from loving, stable homes. Just the sort of kids who, two generations ago, would have been enjoying riding and ballet lessons, and still looking forward to their first kiss, not being coerced into violent sex by some kid who picked up his ideas about physical intimacy from a dogging video on his mobile.

I wasn’t shocked by the fact that teenagers are having sex.  It wasn’t the mention of teen girls having to have surgery for incontinence that made my jaw drop, though that is certainly shocking and disturbing.  What caught my attention is the implied racism / classism in Pearson’s writing.  That her outrage stems from the fact that it’s privileged suburban white girls who are being coerced into sexual acts that they’re not entirely comfortable with and not lower class girls from the “brutalized inner city” teems with racist and classist implications. As though it wouldn’t be newsworthy if a teenage girl from an inner city neighborhood needed surgery because her boyfriend had aggressive sex with her.  In addition, the fact that she paints being from the inner city in opposition to being from a “loving, stable home” really got on my fucking nerves.  In doing so, she is tacitly stating a mutual exclusivity between making less money and providing stability or love for one’s family.

Pearson longs for a time when teenagers were “looking forward to their first kiss” at the age of sixteen (the age of consent in Sydney).  This is 2015.  We need to be talking realistically to young people about their lived experiences and having conversations with them about desire, communication, and consent, and we need to give them safe spaces to speak freely and advocate for their own agency.  That includes recognizing that young people have sexual desire and that that desire is part of their humanity.  (I also think it should be said here that anal sex is not by definition violent sex.)

Coercion and social expectation are real for young people and have tangible consequences on their lives.  So it’s imperative that we talk to young women and young men about media images of sexuality and how they influence behaviors and expectations.  Because while it is shocking that there are young women having fistula surgery from anal sex (which, again, is not inherently aggressive, and when done right should not result in injury), it is equally shocking to hear young men say that they feel like they are socially expected to pressure their girlfriends into doing it.          

Question Mark

So I have this friend who inspires incredibly intense domination fantasies in my head.  What’s strange about this is that with this particular person, I’m the dominant in my fantasies – 95% of the time, it’s the other way around.  I am undoubtedly a bottom.  Not entirely submissive (though I thoroughly enjoy taking orders from the right person), not quite a masochist (though I do tremble with pleasure at a moderate amount of pain and can really get into sub space when I’m high on pain endorphins), but absolutely a bottom.  I can take control during play and sex, and I enjoy doing so once in a while, but it’s not my default and it’s certainly not what I fantasize about.

Which is why I find it so fascinating that I want to slap this guy so forcefully that it makes him crumble.  I want to pull his hair, tie his hands to the ceiling, and flog him so hard that he bleeds.  I want to spit in his mouth and verbally humiliate him.  I want to stick my boot heel into his mouth and tell him to lick it clean.  I want to tie up his cock and balls with a pretty pink bow, whisper dirty things into his ear, dance my fingers all over his body, and get him all riled up — but never let him come.  I want him to beg for more.  

I have no desire to hurt this guy, nor do I harbor any bad feelings toward him — in fact, he’s one of my closest friends, and I love him dearly.  There’s just this super subby energy that radiates out of him that makes me want to lean in close, barely graze his earlobe with my lips, and whisper, “Get on your fucking knees before I make you.”