Switch Studies posted an excellent blog post this week about bisexuality; it struck a chord with me because it’s something that’s been on my mind as well.
When I moved to Korea six years ago, I had been exclusively dating women for a couple of years and publicly identified as gay. No one questioned my sexuality; in fact, everyone I met completely embraced it – even my Korean friends who’d been brought up in a country where homosexuality “doesn’t exist.” My straight male friends bantered with me about dating women (and said some pretty horrific things to me because they weren’t trying to get in my pants); my lesbian friends accepted me as one of their own and made jokes about wanting to date “real” lesbians and not bisexuals.
Last year, I hooked up with a guy I’d been crushing on for a year and ended up dating him, then falling in love. It was hard to tell this to my lesbian friends, but they accepted me and were happy for me at the time. It was much harder to tell my straight friends, most of whom were super confused. “But… you’re gay,” they’d say (surprisingly, this is the same exact thing my mother said). “Actually,” I’d reply, “I’m bisexual; I just haven’t dated men in years.” Even after a year of being aware that I was dating men again, I still had straight friends come up to me after seeing me make out with a guy in a bar and say, “Hey – what’s that about? I thought you were gay.” Or worse – they’d assume that now that I was bi, I would fuck anyone.
Public Service Announcements:
Bisexual people don’t want to fuck everyone.
Non-monogamous people don’t want to fuck everyone.
Standards! I have some!
In the last year, most (but not all) of my sexual partners have been men. This has more to do with the availability of dating partners than my desire to date men versus my desire to date women; there are just a lot more single straight and bisexual guys where I am than gay or bisexual girls. To complicate things, I am non-monogamous and really up front about dating multiple people, which a lot of ladies aren’t so down with. For me, having sex is not as important as being honest.
I’m feeling a bit confused myself. There’s a philosophical question that gets posed to Dan Savage every week: If I’m not currently fucking someone of the same sex, am I really bisexual? (In a similar vein, if I only have one partner right now, am I really non-monogamous?) The answer is yes, of course… but sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my queer cred, if that’s a thing. Sometimes I feel like I don’t get to hold the queer umbrella over my head because it’s raining men.
There have been times when a woman expressed interest in me but I wasn’t interested in her (because someone showing an interest in you doesn’t necessitate reciprocation); at these times, I felt like I was failing as a queer lady for not prioritizing being in a relationship with *any* woman over being with someone I was actually interested in dating. My lesbian friends would actually tell me to date someone in the community simply because she was available without consideration of compatibility.
Where I’m at right now is that I want partners who I’m compatible with. Other people who already identify as non-monogamous. People I have chemistry with and share interests with. And that means that right now, I don’t have a female partner… but I’m still sexually and romantically attracted to women. On days like this, I miss San Francisco.
We were dirty and exhausted – covered in sand from spending the night at the beach and sweat from walking with heavy packs. We hadn’t gotten much sleep because we’d gone to bed late after hours of playing with each other’s bodies (then washing off in the ocean) and woken up at sunrise to fuck with the back of the tent open, letting the morning breeze and pale sunshine fill the tent. When we got back to my place, showering was paramount.
After giving each other a good scrub to get all the sand off, I hung up my washcloth and leaned my ass back toward him, clamping his cock between my legs. I shifted my legs a little bit side to side, feeling him harden between them, and started to say, “So I know we’ve just had sex, but –” “Yes,” he cut me off. I laughed and grabbed a condom from the shelf, then shut the swinging glass shower door behind me. Once I’d rolled it onto his now very erect cock, I faced away from him, putting one hand on the shower door and using the other to guide him into me. I stood on my tip toes, and he bent his knees a bit to make up for the height difference. He leaned back against my white tile shower wall while I leaned forward and pressed my forearms against the door, wiping the steam from the glass so we could watch ourselves fuck in the bathroom mirror in front of us. There’s something that’s incredibly arousing about making eye contact with someone who’s fucking me from behind – about watching my breasts bounce as he rhythmically rocks my hips back onto him. That being said, it’s also hard to get a grip on wet glass; I had him move against the wall to his left so I could hold onto my shower shelving and he could fuck me harder.
At one point, I looked at him over my right shoulder; seeing his long body leaning back against the wall, water glistening all over him, his right arm casually thrown over his head, his left hand on my ass, looking down at his cock as it slid in and out of me, sent a sudden electric shudder throughout my body. Breathing hard and finding it difficult to speak, I told him how hot he looked; he returned the compliment and took his free hand down from the wall to cup my breast and roll my nipple gently in his fingers. He later told me that he liked watching the way my back arched the closer I was to orgasm.
It got to the point that we were both so flushed with heat – it’s the middle of a humid Korean summer, and what was rolling down our bodies was no longer water but sweat – that we decided to rinse off with cold water and take it outside. Before leaving the shower I leaned up to kiss him, our exchanged breath coming hot and hard, our lips wet and full from the humidity.
“I’d be happy if more of my showers involved sex,” he told me. Sex like that? Me. Too.