Fuck. I mean, it’s right there in the title, right? It’s right there.
When we first met, everything was giddy and sexy and I want you and fucking all the time. When we first met, everything was feelings are messy and I’m protective of my heart and I’m not really looking for an emotional relationship. When we first met, there were broken wine glasses and watching the red wine seep into my couch and stacks of papers for a moment before putting his cock back in my mouth, not caring. When we first met it was literally fun and games – we went to an arcade on our first date and I beat him at everything.
And then. And then I said, “I read recently that you’re not supposed to talk about feelings after sex because your oxytocin levels are through the roof.” He laughed and said, “I like you, too.” Later I said, “At the risk of being emotionally messy, I have romantic feelings for you.” And he said, “I was so relieved when you told me that you had feelings for me because I’ve been feeling them, too.” And then on a very, very drunk night, he said, “I feel crazy, like I need you.” He said, “You feel dangerous.” He said, “I’m so into you that it feels like cheating.”
And now. And now I’m so into him that every second spent with him, my heart is soaring. When we’re together and his phone rings and I know it’s his wife telling him he needs to come home, my heart cringes. Now I want a say in things.
I’m doing what I can. I’m feeling and accepting and owning my feelings, not looking to him to fix things – figuring out how I can get my needs met and how he can help me get my needs met and actually telling him. Telling him how I feel when I feel it and not letting negative emotions corrode my insides. This is all new for me, but I trust him with my heart because he makes me feel emotionally safe. Because he tells me all the time how he feels about me, and I never have to wonder. He asks what I need and how he can help me meet those needs (and I do the same for him), never getting defensive. He makes me feel loved, beautiful, and valued. He makes me feel like he’s proud to be with me.
There are things I can do to protect my heart – asking him to negotiate times with his wife that are just for us and asking her to respect those times. Prioritizing myself before the relationship. Dating other people, having lots of amazingly supportive friends, being active and engaged in the world around me.
But what can I do about the fact that I don’t feel like a flesh and blood human being? That I don’t feel like a whole person because our time together is entirely subject to the whims of someone I’ve never even met, someone who kicks her husband out of the house when she wants time alone with a paramour, then calls him the next morning while we’re in a deep slumber to tell him, alright, come home now? That I only get to spend time with him when it happens to be convenient for his wife?
Seriously. What do I do about that?