The first time I fucked a friend who I had zero romantic (or sexual, for that matter!) interest in was on New Year’s Eve, 2002. I don’t remember why we left the party and went back to his place; likely we were outside smoking together and he said he needed to get something, so I opted to go with him. We were both drunk, but not too drunk – just drunk enough to be warm and aroused. The night was still young – not quite midnight.
We went into his bedroom to get whatever it was he needed to get, and then… honestly, I don’t remember what happened next. I remember we were kissing, and he was smiling, and then we were in the shower, and then we were wet and fucking on his bed. I remember discarding a condom wrapper on the floor and laughing about how no one was missing us. I remember how nice it felt to be intimate and sexual with someone without any expectation that it would happen again but also with care for each other’s feelings and pleasure because we’d known each other for years; how I didn’t worry that it would affect our friendship. I didn’t think about where it would go or what I should do to make him happy, because I just wanted it to be what it was in the moment – an authentic connection, a mutually-enjoyed sensual experience. Every time I saw him afterward, we would share a secret smile that said, “Thanks – that was lovely.”
I’ve been thinking about this lately because I recently opened up a couple of friendships into sexual relationships, and both have been truly amazing. I’ve always been strict about compartmentalizing my life; I suppose I still am in some ways. But I refused to mix friendship and fucking because I was always afraid of hurt feelings. Now that I’ve had my heart broken a couple of times in the past few years (and I mean really fucking broken), I’m not so afraid anymore. I’m still here. These broken hearts have improved my communication skills and opened my heart and body to new ways of experiencing love, friendship, and intimacy. I definitely don’t want to fuck most of my friends, but when I do, it feels like a safe space in which to explore, to feel sexy, and to be cared for without so much on the line.
Also, one of these new friends with benefits is a service sub, and how can you say no to that?