Handy Man

There’s a big disparity in the way we talk about pleasing people with penises versus pleasing people with vaginas / vulvas; one only need to Google “mystery of female orgasm” to see it (oh my god ALL THOSE ARTICLES).  Touching a vulva is seen as something that needs specific technique / dexterity / finesse – there are classes and books dedicated to it.  Handling a peen, on the other hand, is discussed flippantly if at all – due in part to the social narrative that men see hand jobs as a waste of time because they also have hands (as do I… but that doesn’t stop me from wanting other people to touch me with theirs!).

Because I talk about sex all the time to most of the people I come into contact with, I’ve met many a man who preferred hand jobs to blow jobs because the muscles in hands are so strong, because they don’t like the scraping of teeth, because the angle of manual sex is better for them, or for various other reasons.  I prefer giving hand jobs to giving blow jobs because I have chronic jaw pain; even when I do engage in oral sex, there’s a lot of manual stimulation thrown in.

And just as every woman likes to be touched in a way that’s unique to her, every man does, too.  When I’m with a new partner, I always ask: How do you like to be touched?  When you masturbate, what do you do?  Can you show me?  I like to put my hands over theirs so that I can practice the kinds of movements and rhythms that make them feel good.  I like to experiment, too; gently, at first, in case there’s something my partner doesn’t like.  Hand jobs are my favorite way to learn a new penis.  I prefer to think of them as a type of massage and really like integrating them into massaging other parts of my partners’ bodies.  I use both hands, I use oil, I ask if I can touch areas they may or may not be comfortable with: the base of the penis that lies behind the scrotum, their testicles, their anuses.

Hand jobs can be an amazing way to connect with a partner; imagine coming home from a long day at work to a dimly-lit bedroom with relaxing music on and told to get undressed so your partner can give you a massage… and then having that massage focus on your dick.  Hand jobs can also be hot as fuck when they’re illicit – say, under a blanket on a long-distance train, while driving, in the coat room at a party, or in a crowded bar (story forthcoming).

Hand jobs aren’t some lost relic of adolescence; they’re a big part of my sex life – especially in the context of a long-term relationship, they help me to establish connection and feel out (pardon the pun) the ways in which my partners prefer to be pleased.

“Handy Man,” by the way, is an amazing blues song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmFtwwCOmmo

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20 thoughts on “Handy Man

  1. Very interesting Jo. Between you and Molly I’m wishing I had someone to practice on…
    By the way I love this version of Handyman too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLoPKQZRjOQ done in 1981 when Alberta Hunter was much older – adore her facial expressions, clearly a woman with a great sense of humour. I have a growing collection of raunchy songs on my Youtube playlists – thanks to your prompt I’m going to add this song to the collection. Its on my computer but somehow I forgot to add to the on-line collection. If you don’t know Denise LeSalle’s “Lick it Before You Stick It” you are in for a laugh!
    Indie X

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    1. I do know that song! I listen to tons of blues music – initially got interested because of all the double entendres, but then started blues dancing and *really* got into it. Check out anything by Lucille Bogan, too – “Till the Cows Come Home” is soooo delightfully filthy!

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  2. Is it wrong that, after reading this post, I really want a hand job from you?
    You make a very interesting point about the language of gender – I’m not sure I agree entirely, but it is curious that there is great discussion of, and even classes for female masturbation, but the same for men is inconceivable.

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    1. Hahahaha not at all!!! I think that classes geared toward women learning their bodies and claiming their desire are really important because women are taught to be ashamed of our bodies; I was thinking more of how we talk about pleasing women like it’s a great mystery to solve, but talk about pleasing men like it’s so easy that we never have to have a discussion with male partners about what they like, which always seemed crazy to me.

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      1. Based on my somewhat limited experience of trying to please men, I’d say it is easier to pleasure them than it is women. And I don’t think that has much, if anything, to do with psychology or sociological conditioning, but rather physiological. After all, how many women can’t cum from penetration, compared to men? Speaking purely biologically, I don’t know of any evolutionary imperative for female orgasms, whereas without the male orgasm, the human race would surely not survive.
        Although I don’t think it’s inherantky linked, anecdotal evidence suggests for many men it is a mystery how to make women cum, whereas most women are not so ignorant. Though i don’t think that is rooted in openness – I don’t remember any more conversation about male pleasure than female when I was growing up. (Though obviously there was more conversation about orgasms due to the necessity of ejaculation.)

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      2. The problem I have with the whole “mystery of the female orgasm” narrative is that it doesn’t take into account ASKING women how they come, how they want to be touched, etc… instead just assuming that all women can be “solved” in some way or that there’s one magical solution to making women climax. What I’m advocating for is simply *talking* to our partners to ask what they like and then listening to their answers… nothing very mysterious about that!

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