My cunt glows with life, with light, with cinnamon and spice and all things toasty, warm, and delicious.
One more for an extra bit of holiday spirit!
“I’m Viv,” I say, as I shake your slender hand. The first thing I notice are your earrings – feathery and dangly and brushing your freckled shoulders. Only I don’t know they’re freckled yet. The second thing is your smile. You have crooked teeth, like me. Your smile is wide and welcoming and disarming. Your dimples tell me I should trust you.
Then I look at your eyes, chocolate porter-colored behind small, rectangle-framed glasses. They unfurl like a whirlpool in reverse. At first I only see colors, sparkling and bright. Fireworks and fairy lights. Then the images start to come into view.
I’m scooping your knees up while your arms hang tight around my neck so a stranger in front of Ghirardelli Square can take our photo. You’re eating mochi on a stick, giggling while we walk around a festival in Japantown with my friends. We’re on the tilt-a-whirl at the Santa Cruz boardwalk, spinning as fast as we can while I try not to crush you. We’re slow dancing to “My Funny Valentine” at Martuni’s, your red satin dress melting my hands. We’re lying on a blanket in Dolores Park, my arm around you, your head nestled into my chest, soaking up unexpected sunshine. My family is telling me how much they adore you.
You’re on your hands and knees on a spanking bench while I tower above you, flogging you. You’re flush with almost-coming, your eyes shut tight, your head thrown back. We’re kissing and kissing and kissing and kissing, hands all over each other. I’m ripping a towel off of you so I can get one of your nipples into my mouth as quickly as possible. We’re making love quietly and urgently in my parent’s house, shuddering and soaking the sheets.
You’re telling me you foresaw this – we would either get closer, or we would break up. I’m regretting the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth. I’m sobbing as I walk down 24th street in the Mission, not really knowing where I’m going. You’re looking at me with eyes that say, “Why have you broken my heart?” I’m looking inside, unable to find a good answer. I’m writing you an apology. You’re writing me an update. We’re meeting for the first time in a long time with faint smiles on our faces and hope in our hearts. We’re hugging goodbye and saying how happy we are to be friends.
“Nice to meet you,” you say. “I’m Emma.”
I spent several years listening to Dan Savage give the sage advice to callers that sometimes, they just have to pay a price of admission – AKA, not getting everything they want in a relationship – in order to maintain it. Every time I heard him say this, I always thought, “Phew! Glad it’s not me calling in – what a conundrum!” I was never much for compromise. If a partner wanted me to make a serious compromise to my needs and desires, I’d just let them go in search of more compatible partners.
Partners. After resisting the label of polyamory for a couple of years – I always insisted that I was barely amorous, so I couldn’t be polyamorous – I fell recklessly in love and realized that not only do I have the capability to love deeply, but that allowing myself the authenticity to explore the possibilities of multiple relationships at once makes me really happy. I moved from calling myself non-monogamous to calling myself polyamorous, and it felt right. It still feels right.
My people are perverts and hippies; I surround myself with sex nerds and intentionally choose to date other poly people – or at least, I used to.
The Engineer was supposed to be a one-night stand. I didn’t expect him to ask me to spend a second night with him – let alone the whole day. I didn’t expect him to uproot his travel plans to follow me into another country. I didn’t expect him to uproot them yet again to meet me for two weeks at the end of my trip last year – and I certainly didn’t think on that night we met in Rwanda a year and a half ago that someday down the road, I’d want to move to another country and start my life over again to be with him. But I do. His emotional intelligence, his honesty, his generosity, his loving nature, and his willingness to adventure with me blow me away. Just when I think he can’t be a more amazing partner, he shows up at my door wearing a tux a week before he’s supposed to get here. Just when I think I can’t possibly feel any more deeply cared for, he learns how to play our song on the piano and makes a video of it for my birthday. True story!
He prioritizes me and makes me feel valued in a way I’ve always done for other partners. He means what he says, keeps his word, and intentionally makes time for me. My relationship with him is one which is worth compromising for.
I knew The Engineer was monogamous when we first met – but because I didn’t think it was going to be more than a travel fling, I didn’t think of that as a deal-breaker. Even during our first full week together when we were telling people at our guesthouse that we were on our honeymoon, I just brushed it off. Now, on our way to two years in, it feels like a big deal. As we’re long distance, we’ve come to an uneasy negotiation about being monogamish. And when I say “we,” I mean me. I’m okay with him sleeping with other women. He’s pretty uncomfortable with the idea of me hooking up.
So I haven’t. Still – I need to know that it’s not an instant deal-breaker if I meet someone at a bar and want to bang them or develop a crush on someone. I need to be able to tell my partner when I experience those things without worrying that it’s going to destroy our relationship. In my early twenties, I cheated on / broke up with a few partners because I developed feelings for other people while in the relationship, and I didn’t think I had any choice other than cheating or breaking up.
I know better now. Here’s the weird part, though: I’d started thinking that because of my past experiences, a monogamous relationship would never work for me. I thought that this would be harder, but the fact that both of us have been honest about what we want from the get-go and that we check in about it frequently makes it feel good. The fact that I’m choosing to be with a monogamous partner who knows I’d prefer not to be feels better than trying to be monogamous because it’s what I think is expected of me. And maybe I’m actually ambiamorous, much like I’m bisexual: Floating somewhere in the middle, enjoying all the things.
Since I’ve met The Engineer, I’ve had a couple of sexy hankerings and even a genuine crush, but no feelings that I’ve really wanted to pursue. I haven’t experienced any of the FOMO that I thought I might. Then again – perhaps I’m being naïve and all of this will change when / if I do meet someone else I develop a romantic attachment to. Or when / if he does. Only time will tell, I guess – but the same can be said for default mono relationships. The important thing is that we keep talking and acknowledging that while we may not be the most perfectly compatible partners, there are things that both of us are willing to compromise on to make this work – because holy shit, is it worth it.
We’re planning on visiting a sex club together in January and talking about exploring threesomes (yea!!!) – but for right now, in this moment, I’m quite happy snuggling up at night and whispering “I love you, my nest” into the phone, looking forward to the next time that I get to feel his arms wrapped tight around me. And then fantasizing about riding him while another woman sits on his face.
This is a re-post of Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs List of 2018, sponsored by Chaturbate. Molly is absolutely indefatigable in her efforts to bolster the sex blogging community in a time of pushback and suppression from government and social media. She is a goddess among us, and her hard work on this is proof!
To all the amazing sex bloggers who tear open their hearts, spill their guts, and allow us to pick their brains – thank you. Please, please, PLEASE check out the New Voices page as well; I’m especially enthralled with My Controlled Ascent, Jayne Renault, and Knkstriped.
Rebel has been in the top 10 of this list for that last few years as her blog is always of a consistently high standard however over the last year her writing has taken on a new depth and vulnerability as she has tackled a number of difficult subjects relating to her life including grief, depression and the loss of her sex life due to her husbands illness. She has written about these subjects in such a raw and honest way never shying away from the difficult aspects and that is something I hugely admire about her. As well as this she continues to be a force for good within the community, running Wicked Wednesday and of course this year the amazing Smut Marathon. She absolutely deserves this number one spot for being a truly awesome sex blogger.
Follow her on Twitter: @Rebelsnotes
Floss has absolutely wowed me with her blog this year. It is well designed making it easy to navigate around and serving lots of juicy content. Her writing seems to have blossomed over the last 12 months and she has tackled some challenging kink related topics and also written a whole host of truly delicious erotic fiction. She is force to be reckoned this and I am excited to see what the future holds for her and her blog.
Follow her on Twitter: @_floss_84
This is Mrs Fever third year in top 10 of the list which reflects that fact that she continues to write to such a high standard exploring all sorts of topics through think pieces, fiction, pictures and prose. Her writing is exciting, intelligent and thoughtful and I am never not hooked when I read her words.
Follow her on Twitter: N/A
4. Girly Juice
Again another blog that featured in last years top 10. Kate continues to absolutely be at the top of her blogging game producing well written and diverse content.
Follow her on Twitter: @girly_juice
When I grow up I want to write erotic fiction like Ella Scandal however her blog is not just fiction but has a wonderful mixture of content that includes reviews, personal essays and fiction. Her writing is always excellent no matter the subject or genre but her fiction is some of the most exciting and diverse erotica around.
Follow her on Twitter:@ella_scandal
Amy was one of the two blogs to win the New Voices Awards last year and I had a sneaky feeling that she was going to take that strong start and turn it into something special and she has definitely done that. She writes on a wide variety of topics as well as penning some very sexy erotic fiction. I really think she is one to watch out for in the future.
Follow her on Twitter: @CoffeeAndKink
Last year I had a feeling that Aurora was one of the blogs on the list to watch out for and it seems I was right. Despite having a challenging time in her life she has continued to produce excellent content on her blog including reviews, images and powerful personal essays as well continuing to explore fiction writing too.
Follow her on Twitter: @AuroraGloryBlog
8. Sex Matters
Another new name to the top ten this year is May More. Her blog design offers up lots of opportunity for you to discover content and when you do what you find is quality writing across a variety of subjects including some truly fabulous erotic fiction.
Follow her on Twitter: @more_matters
Kendra was in the No.9 spot last year and I am not surprised to see her here again. Her blog is a treasure trove of fascinating content in which she truly shares herself and her life, the good, the bad, the sexy and the not. Her honesty is inspirational in my opinion
Follow her on Twitter: @TBK365
10. Pandora Blake
Pandora/Blake’s blog truly reflects the diverse nature of the work that she does within the adult industry from making queer porn, sex work, sex educator work and her work for Backlash and the against censorship of adult content on the internet. You find all this and more this blog.
Follow them on Twitter:@pandorablake
|11||Pain as Pleasure||@bibulousone|
|12||Little Switch Bitch||@_littlesbitch|
|13||Miss Eve E||@MissEveBlogs|
|16||Red Hot Suz||@redhotsuz|
|20||On Queer Street||@OnQueerStreet|
|24||The Other Livvy||@theotherlivvy|
|26||Super Smash Cache||@supersmashcache|
|27||Miss Scarlet Writes||@MissScarletUK|
|28||The Big Gay Review||@thebiggayreview|
|29||Teachers Have Sex||@teachershavesex|
|30||Miss Ruby Reviews||@MissRubyReviews|
|31||Feisty Fox Films||@feistyfoxfilms|
|34||I’m an Adult||@Indigoisanadult|
|39||Joanne’s Sex Machine||@joannesreviews|
|42||Dildo or DilDont||@Makeupandsin|
|43||A to sub Bee||@sub_bee|
|45||Hannah likes dirty words||@HannahLockhardt|
|48||Pillow Princess Reviews||@PillowPrincessR|
|51||Emmeline Peaches Reviews||@EmmelinePeaches|
|56||Master’s Pleasing Bitch||@MPBjulie|
|57||Kilted Wookie – The Zen Nudist||@Kilted_Wookie|
|61||You Won’t Tame This Sassy Cat||@sassycat38|
|63||Ace in the Hole||@_aceinthehole|
|64||Down the Bunny Rabbit Hole||@LuvbunnySL82|
|66||Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines||@JaimeMortimer|
|67||Midnight at the Oasis||@midnightoasis64|
|68||Maria Open’s Up||@MSM1647|
|71||Happy Come Lucky||@ht_honey|
|72||Pieces of Jade||@piecesofjade|
|73||Sex is my New Hobby||@sexismynewhobby|
|79||Accidental Masturbator’s sex blog|
|83||Rain De Grey||@raindegrey|
|84||F Dot Leonora||@fdotleonora|
|88||Life of Elliot…||@elliotthenry36|
|97||My Sex Life with Lola|
|98||Krystle In Bed||@krystleinbed|
100. YOU! The last spot is for the all the other awesome sex bloggers out there. It is just not possible to include everyone, I relied on the nominations to gather the list and I am sure there are people missing, but this place is for you because every single one of you counts and contributes towards this community.