Never Say Never

I questioned my decision to leave Korea every day after I made it until I finally left.  I knew that when I came back to the US, work would take a lot more time and energy; however, I don’t think I was prepared for just how much more time and energy teaching in public schools in a major city would take.  How much more of an emotional toll it would take.  I’ve not only been through a lot of transition in the last year between Korea, home, and now a new job in a new city / new school district, but a lot of transition within that district within my first four months on the job.

I’m exhausted, you guys.  All the time.  I’m having a crisis of faith as an educator wherein I’m not sure if I want to be a teacher anymore.  I had a full-on panic attack last week along with bouts of uncontrollable sobbing and nights filled with anxiety dreams.  I’m struggling.  Largely because of this, there came a point last fall where weekly blogging started to feel like a chore rather than a source of joy to me – just one more thing I felt like I had to get done.  Blogging doesn’t just involve writing, as you know – it involves social media, reading and commenting on other people’s blog posts, participating in memes, and spending hours reflecting, thinking creatively, and revising.  It’s a passion project for me (I don’t post ads or donation buttons on my site) that I don’t feel so passionate about anymore as my career has sent me into an emotional tailspin.

That said – I had a lovely conversation with @exposing40 last summer in which she told me that I don’t have to do weekly posts or even monthly posts to keep my blog up and running; I could just post whenever I damn well please.  Whenever a prompt strikes my fancy, or whenever I feel inspired.  I like that.  For now, I’m going to follow her sage advice.  Perhaps when I settle into a routine and can find more happiness in my work, I’ll come back swinging.  Right now, though, I think I’m going to try to spend the little free time I have making friends in my new city, trying my best to maintain physical and mental health, spending time outside, and building community with my coworkers at happy hours.

See you soon, neighbors.  xxx

P.S. I finally got to use a Sybian a couple of weeks ago, and I found it *highly* unpleasant.  Am I the only one?  What was pleasant was sucking The Engineer’s dick while riding it as people watched through a window.  See?  I still have more to write about down the road.