Never Say Never

I questioned my decision to leave Korea every day after I made it until I finally left.  I knew that when I came back to the US, work would take a lot more time and energy; however, I don’t think I was prepared for just how much more time and energy teaching in public schools in a major city would take.  How much more of an emotional toll it would take.  I’ve not only been through a lot of transition in the last year between Korea, home, and now a new job in a new city / new school district, but a lot of transition within that district within my first four months on the job.

I’m exhausted, you guys.  All the time.  I’m having a crisis of faith as an educator wherein I’m not sure if I want to be a teacher anymore.  I had a full-on panic attack last week along with bouts of uncontrollable sobbing and nights filled with anxiety dreams.  I’m struggling.  Largely because of this, there came a point last fall where weekly blogging started to feel like a chore rather than a source of joy to me – just one more thing I felt like I had to get done.  Blogging doesn’t just involve writing, as you know – it involves social media, reading and commenting on other people’s blog posts, participating in memes, and spending hours reflecting, thinking creatively, and revising.  It’s a passion project for me (I don’t post ads or donation buttons on my site) that I don’t feel so passionate about anymore as my career has sent me into an emotional tailspin.

That said – I had a lovely conversation with @exposing40 last summer in which she told me that I don’t have to do weekly posts or even monthly posts to keep my blog up and running; I could just post whenever I damn well please.  Whenever a prompt strikes my fancy, or whenever I feel inspired.  I like that.  For now, I’m going to follow her sage advice.  Perhaps when I settle into a routine and can find more happiness in my work, I’ll come back swinging.  Right now, though, I think I’m going to try to spend the little free time I have making friends in my new city, trying my best to maintain physical and mental health, spending time outside, and building community with my coworkers at happy hours.

See you soon, neighbors.  xxx

P.S. I finally got to use a Sybian a couple of weeks ago, and I found it *highly* unpleasant.  Am I the only one?  What was pleasant was sucking The Engineer’s dick while riding it as people watched through a window.  See?  I still have more to write about down the road.

13 thoughts on “Never Say Never

  1. I burned out on big city public education many years ago; I have felt what you describe, and I am sending you empathetic vibes.

    We all have to forge our own paths. Sometimes they trail in unexpected directions over difficult terrain. You’ll find your way clear.

    xo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for your empathy – I truly feel like I’m drowning at times, and commiserating with other people who have experienced what I’m going through is the only real relief I get. You’re right – this is a rough patch, and things will be okay. I get so bogged down in the day-to-day details that it’s hard to see the big picture sometimes. Thanks! xx

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  2. I worked in public education for 15 years doing tech support at school level. Being a teacher is even tougher. Hat off to you for what you do. For me the happiest day was when I decided to step down. The stress had taken it’s toll on me and I didn’t see it till I was no longer under it.

    As a teacher what you do touches young lives many times in unseen ways, you are an unsung hero. I have no doubt that you will find your stride in some way. No matter what your choice unexpected doors will always open.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, John. I know that my teaching has had a positive impact (I just got a really lovely and unexpected text message from a former student last night saying so!), but it’s hard to remember that when I’m getting cursed out every day for asking students to sit in their assigned seats. I’m trying to keep in mind that my students face trauma in their lives that I will never know and that their anger comes from that trauma, but it’s also taking a deep personal toll on me, just like it did on you. Trying to stay positive, and I appreciate your encouraging words!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Tabitha Rayne

    Ah Jo, I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. And through it all you remain compassionate towards your students. It’s sad that the best teachers usually are the empathic ones… The ones that take it all on their shoulders. I’m glad that student reached out to say so.
    Take your time and Ms 40’s advice. We’ll all still be here when you’ve rested and found your energy again x x x

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  4. I get it, sister…both the stresses of teaching and the stress of blogging when it feels like a job. Teaching is the most stressful thing I do, and there are lots of days I consider packing it in. Any time you need a sounding board, I’m here. I don’t teach in a big city, but I teach in a community with a lot of trauma. Who doesn’t anymore?
    E40 is right, too. If blogging doesn’t provide a source of stress relief and joy, it isn’t worth it. Just write when you want. And take care of yourself first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much – that means a lot. Getting support from other teachers is the best thing for me! I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow to process some of my feelings about the trauma that I’m absorbing from my students and am generally feeling much better than I was in January. ^^

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