This one is for you, my nest.
I come home one day to find you out back in the garden; you’d come home from a long day at work, ready to relax, only to remember that you’ve got a ton of stuff to take to the tip, and it has to go in the morning – so you’d better load up the car tonight. By the time I get home, you’ve spent an hour carrying armfuls of heavy rubbish; you’re sweaty, dirty, and sore. I float in, cool as a breeze after having been in an air conditioned office all day, to see your back muscles flex as you pick up the last load. You turn around, look me in the eye, and drop it where you stand.
I chuckle. “Long day, lo-?” I start asking, but before the words are out of my mouth, your lips are pressed against it and you’re clutching me with soil-crusted fingernails, not giving a shit if you leave streaks on my pale peach blouse.
You are ravenous.
You charge, forcing me to the trellis against the back wall of our building – the one with the overflowing plum-colored bougainvillea – and crush the flowers with my back as my purse slides down my arm and slips to the ground. “Stay,” you order me, as you rummage for something among pots, tools, and patio furniture. You find a length of twine underneath a pair of gloves and swiftly tie my wrists together like a boatswain before attaching them to the trellis above my head.
You unbutton my blouse and shove the top of my undershirt under my tits, letting them spill out so you can apply vacuum pressure to my nipples; I’m so taken with surprise that it’s a few minutes before I realize that the neighbors could see this. All of them. The thought of it makes my cunt burn. I want to get on my knees in the earth and take you in my mouth, only I can’t.
As soon as I think it, your belt is unbuckled and your cock is out, popping up from behind the confines of your jeans. Watching you stroke yourself and not being able to touch you is torture and rapture. You reach under my skirt and move my knickers to the side so you can gather up my nectar with your fingers to use as lube to stroke yourself with. I watch you take the flowing juices from my body and use them as your own, wanting to tell you that it’s not fair – if you’re going to smear them on your dick, do it by sliding into me – but I don’t. Instead, I watch wide-eyed, heart thudding, as you continue to wank with fervor.
Suddenly you stop. You press your mouth to my ear and whisper, “Do you want my cock inside of you?” I choke back saliva, and before I can answer, you’re on your knees, yanking my knickers all the way down and my skirt all the way up. “Well done, love,” you say, taking a hooked finger and drawing silky webs away from my thighs. I whimper.
You draw up a chair, tell me to spread my legs as wide as I can, and continue wanking. Deep into your reverie, you stand up and leave me alone outside for a minute, exposed for all the world to see; you come back, work a large dildo into my cunt, and tell me to clamp my legs. You sit back down and watch me intently while stroking yourself until your pleasure forces you to close your eyes halfway; I try to clench the dildo hard enough to make myself come, but I’m not quite there. Perhaps you take pity on me seeing me strain – or perhaps you just want to fuck me. In any case, you stride over, take me down from the trellis, and lead me in by the twine, assuring me that the best is yet to come.
The very first time I remember feeling pleasure on my clitoris and trying to recreate it was when I was twelve(ish?); clamping my hands around the edge of the deep end of a swimming pool, I remember feeling jets of water rushing over my crotch and thinking, “Hey, that feels pretty great; I wonder if I can do that in my very own bathtub?” And indeed, I could! That’s right, folks: I started wanking because of the Young Men’s Christian Association. Thanks, YMCA.
When I was older and started using vibrators, I noticed that they gave me completely different sensations and orgasms; while I lasted longer using a vibrator, the orgasms I had were less intense. I never thought I’d find a toy that gave me the same sensations that a strong jet of water could… but the toy has finally found me. The pressure waves / pressurized air pulses of the Satisfyer toys (and the Womanizer toys, I’m sure) feel very much like water to me. This is kind of bittersweet: While I get off faster and more efficiently, as soon as I come, I need the stimulation off my clit immediately, whereas with a vibrator, it might take me longer to climax, but I can keep it on my clit and continue to wank because the sensations don’t overstimulate me.
I (along with a TON of other sex bloggers) was sent three different Satisfyer toys to try out in exchange for an honest review – the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibrate, the Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit, and the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples. All three:
- use “air pulse technology” to create a kind of suction feeling
- have a removable nozzle on the head for easy cleaning
- are white with champagne / rose-colored accents
- are waterproof and can therefore be submerged
- are USB-rechargeable and connect to the chargers magnetically
- have eleven levels of intensity for the wave / suction nozzle
- have ten vibration patterns for the vibe; the patterns are similar to those on other vibrating toys
- become a LOT more buzzy at higher vibration levels
- cost $60 at the US Satisfyer website
- are made of silicone and ABS plastic
- have separate buttons for suction and vibration; you have to cycle through the vibration patterns but are able to raise and lower the suction level with separate buttons on all of them
- have warnings in the user manuals not to “product to stimulate any part of the body for more than 15 minutes,” which is a bit worrisome.
- are more easy to seal against the clit with a bit of lube
- have an initial charge time of 2 – 8 hours
Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration
Charge time: 2 hours Use time: 2 hours
You press and hold the button with the wave symbol on it in order to start and stop the vibrations; press and hold the button with the power symbol on it to start and stop the suction waves, which was confusing at first and ended up with me turning on the rather loud vibrator when I’d meant to turn on the quieter air pulse nozzle… I don’t live alone, so I rely on quiet toys for discreet wanking. The manual says that you should “spread the labia apart to expose the clitoris” as to “perfectly position the pressure wave stimulator”; however, because my clit is so sensitive, I didn’t need to form a seal or position it perfectly – it got me off when loosely placed and on low settings. This might not be true for someone who prefers or needs stronger or more intense stimulation. The Pro Plus has a curved shape, and the buttons are super accessible (the power buttons are also different sizes, making it easy to distinguish between them if you can’t see them); while I love the way it fits into my hand, I can’t stop thinking that it looks like a penis fish / other various sea worms! Take that as you will. I use this toy often and love it; my favorite thing about it is that because of the way the nozzle is set up, when I turn on the vibrator, it vibrates around my clit. As previously stated, I have a super sensitive clitoris, so I’m not a huge fan of direct stimulation; I love that I can use this toy as a vibrator when I want a more languid wank and as an air pulse toy when I just need a quick release.
Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit
Charge time: 3 hours Use time: 2 hours
Both the air pressure waves and the vibrations of the rabbit are quieter than those on the Pro Plus Vibration model, which is nice if you don’t want to be heard; in this model, you just press and hold the increase button for the air pulse nozzle instead of pressing a power button, which I actually prefer (I found it less confusing). Although I personally enjoy them, I wouldn’t recommend rabbit-style toys in general; as most of them have an immobile arm for clit stim, the chances that they’ll fit everyone’s anatomy are slim to none. With this toy in particular, fit is important as many folks find that they need a seal around their clit in order to get off with the air pulse nozzle. The Satisfyer Rabbit has an edge / ridge around the dildo part; I find it super uncomfortable and prefer a more round / smooth dildo. Overall, I’m not really into this toy; I’d prefer a combination of a regular dildo and the Pro Plus so that I can take the stimulation off my clit immediately after I come, but keep using the dildo.
Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples
Charge time: 1.5 hours Use time: 70 minutes
This model has the same controls as the Pro Plus Vibration model. This was the first time I’ve ever used a couple’s toy; I’ve been super curious about all of the insertable WeVibes, for instance, but I wasn’t willing to shell out over $100 as someone whose primary partner lives on another continent. Good thing, because I’m guessing they’d be as disappointing as this toy is. It seems to me that the whole point of having toys like this is that you get a hands-free clitoral stimulator while having partnered penetrative sex… but the thing wouldn’t stay in. I had to hold it in place the whole time, and it kept slipping and sliding around my clit because of the thrusting motions. I also had a really difficult time feeling where the buttons were when it was in so I could raise and lower the pulse level. I was able to get off with it, but only when I was on top of my partner and only when I was rocking more than riding. Furthermore, the piece that’s meant to sit inside the vagina felt a bit sharp to me because it has a pointed shape; it was uncomfortable for me and my partner both, and I think a more round shape would be more comfortable. This toy also has the same problem that the rabbit does: Not everyone’s body is shaped the same, and because the toy comes in one size, it will fit some people’s anatomy and not others’. If I want clitoral stimulation during PIV / strap-on sex in the future, I’d feel better off with either a cock ring or a small hand-held vibrator (or a small air pulse toy like the Satisfyer Penguin).
In general, I really love the feeling of the air pressure waves / pulses in all of the Satisfyer toys; they’re completely different than motor-driven vibrations and great for a quick, efficient wank. They feel pretty great on nipples as well! The fact that these toys are rechargeable and can be completely submerged (and are quieter when they are) are huge selling points, and the chargers are fantastic. I’m personally not into the white color; it feels too clinical, and I prefer bright, bold colors (anything but fucking pink). Everyone has different preferences, however, and some reviewers are really into the white color. I also love how affordable these toys are; that said, professional sex toy reviewers have had some problems with the quality of the toys, and I haven’t had the toys long enough to be able to say how long they will last / function.
Final verdict: If you’re on a budget, don’t care about noise level (the toys can get pretty loud), and like a quick and intense release, I’d highly recommend the Pro Plus. The sensations are unique, the toy can be adapted for different body parts and types, and you can use both the vibrator and the air pulse nozzle when you’re feeling up for one or the other (or both)! I think it would be a fabulous toy to attempt to edge with while wanking.
If you’d like to purchase one of these lovely toys for yourself or someone you love to celebrate Jesus becoming a zombie, you can get a 25% discount on any of Satisfyer’s toys from March 30th – April 2nd (ends at 11:59 pm MESZ) with discount code teachershavesex25 at www.satisfyer.com. Toys can only be mailed to Europe, Canada, and the US.
I love butt stuff. Plugs, fingers, vibrating plugs, rimming, beads, plugs of various shapes and sizes, pegging, and – have I mentioned plugs? I love them. That said – anal sex isn’t really my thing.
Having a partner slide a finger into my ass while licking my puss? Definitely my thing, and my clitoral orgasms are so much more intense when combined with anal stimulation. I often incorporate beads and plugs when I wank, especially to tip me over the edge. Riding a partner’s dick with a vibrating butt plug in so he can feel the vibrations through my vaginal wall? Absofuckinglutely. I often fantasize about double penetration – sitting on a dick reverse cowgirl style and lying back on that gent while having another fuck me missionary style while other people watch. Giving languid analingus at the end of a long body massage makes me drip, and putting on a strap-on, making it goopy and slick with lube, and sliding it into a wriggling ass that can’t wait to be penetrated, only to hear a deep groan of satisfaction, makes my heart pound. PIA, though? That I could take or leave.
Then again – maybe I just haven’t given it a fair shot. The first time I tried anal was in uni; we lubed up, used fingers first as a warm up, and… it was good. Not great, but good. The second time we tried I really got into it. Then one night my boyfriend was pounding me hard from behind and his dick accidentally slipped into my ass (yes, this really does happen); it hurt so bad that I didn’t want to try anal with him again. I tried with another partner a year later, and then didn’t do it again until a decade later when I started dating The Texan, and then only once. I think that part of it is that I’ve gone on dates and had one-night stands with a lot of men who want to fuck me in the ass, but would never in a million years allow themselves to be pegged – and that just doesn’t sit right with me. If someone expects me to take their cock in my rectum but won’t even try a finger in theirs to see what it feels like, they’re probably out the door.
Anal sex is not a casual sex activity for me. It’s something I’ve only ever wanted to do in relationships in which I feel I can really trust my partner to pull back, slow down, or stop if I feel uncomfortable – so maybe now is a good time to give it another try. A noble goal for 2018. The Engineer and I are keen (but he also has quite a sizable cock, which makes me a bit nervous), and it’s something we talk about doing often; I’ll make working up to it a goal for our next visit. “Let’s go home so you can put it in my butt” would probably make a welcome airport greeting, don’t you think?
After dessert – a decadent raspberry custard topped with chocolate ganache and served with port – Cal handed over a small, meticulously-wrapped box, which he seemed to pull out of thin air. Maybe it was the intoxicating effects of the port, the strength of which still lingered on hir tongue. Les accepted it with both hands, wondering where Cal had found the paper containing real leaves and the ribbon which felt like velvet. Sie looked at it carefully, turning it over in hir small hands, marveling at the care that had gone into it. Cal’s eyes twinkled. “Open it,” he eagerly instructed.
Sie peeled the tape off, careful not to rip the paper, and took off the lid, lifting layers of multi-colored tissue paper away from the interior to reveal a handful of small, plain, white envelopes containing what felt like cards. Each one of the twelve had a single word printed on the cover: the first said January. “What are these?” sie asked, delighted at the attention to detail, the smooth surface and crisp corners of the envelopes.
“Each month, you get one card with an instruction on it. You have one month to carry out the order; if you succeed, you receive a reward. If not, a punishment. That simple.” Les’s eyes widened and the corners of hir mouth drew up slowly as sie started to think about all the possibilities. Knowing Cal, there would be nothing simple about this – it would be challenging, but exhilarating.
“Put them away for now,” he said, standing up and walking around to help Les with hir coat. Hir face formed a momentary frown, at which he laughed. “My darling,” he said, “January first is but an hour away, and the clock is ticking. I believe we have an engagement to be at. You owe me a dance and a midnight kiss.” Sie smiled and slipped hir arm into the sleeves before putting one through Cal’s arm. They strolled out into the cold air, still glowing from each other’s company, and held tight to each other as they walked to a friend’s party.
They danced to song after song, alternating the lead to songs that would always remind hir of New York – Gershwin, Porter, Berlin. At midnight, showered in vibrant confetti, they kissed each other, relishing the pressure and taste of each other’s lips. Sie trailed hir lips to his ear, and whispered, “I can’t wait. Can I open the first one now?” “You’re so impatient!” he chided playfully. “But yes, of course you can.”
Sie ran over to their coats in staccato steps, digging the box out of hir deep coat pocket, and gingerly took out the first envelope. Sie slid a finger underneath the flap and pulled out a small white card containing the following sentences:
Put the Njoy plug in first thing when you wake up in the morning. Keep it there all day and come to my office five minutes before I get off work. I will leave my office each day at 4:53 exactly. When I arrive back to my office at 4:55 one day in January, you will be there, hands on my desk, wearing nothing from the waist down except that plug, waiting for me.
Les’s heart stopped at the idea of being semi-nude in Cal’s office. Sie knew his coworkers; they often had happy hour cocktails together. What if someone else came in? What if the timing was off? What if…? Cal looked closely at hir expression, wondering momentarily if he’d made a mistake – but then he saw the fear in hir eyes replaced with lust, and an unmistakable blush spread across hir face. What if he spanks me? Sie thought. What if he replaces that plug with his fingers? Sie quickly thought about the heft of the metal plug and how it would feel inside of hir for an entire day. What if he demands I get under the desk and lick his cock from base to tip, over and over, until he’s shivering? Sie closed her eyes dreamily and thought about the potential. Cal leaned in and brushed his lips against hirs. “This is just the beginning,” he said, almost inaudible against the chorus of Auld Lang Syne. “I started with an easy one.” He slid his hand around hir waist and up hir back in a reassuring way; they spent the next few minutes in silence, both contemplating their adventures ahead and feeling no need to make resolutions.
I’m not a tech person, but when I heard about the Mystery Vibe Crescendo, I understood why tech people were stoked about it. With six different motors inside and not only the ability to flex and bend into different shapes BUT ALSO Bluetooth connectivity / an app from which you can create your own vibration patterns, it feels futuristic. It’s a brilliant concept – make one vibrator that can fit the needs of a variety of people. That can be a G-spot stimulator one day and a dual-stim vibe the next. That has twelve different patterns built into it already as well as a variety of speeds, so you don’t even need to download the app.
The Crescendo comes in beautiful packaging – an elegant black box with a magnetized lid which stays tight when you close it. The instructions come on a black card with gold lettering in a black envelope tucked into the lid of the box – like an invitation to a remote and lavish ball. Actually, it kind of reminded me of the murder mysteries I used to love playing as a teenager! Opening the box, you discover that the vibrator also comes with what I can only describe as a knife roll for sex toys – a silky pouch that has separate compartments for the vibe and the charging components, easily rolled up and tied round with a black satin ribbon. It’s a very classy design, and I can’t even say how excited I am that it’s not pink. Seriously, industry people – SO HAPPY IT’S NOT PINK. None of it is pink. Thank you for that, Mystery Vibe.
The Crescendo comes with a charger that can plug into a computer or wall adapter; the charging cord plugs into a base on which you set the vibe to charge. This blew my fucking mind until a friend pointed out to me that other electronics do that – I’d just never seen it before. Again, not a tech person. Despite this and despite being wary of privacy concerns (I don’t use my phone to do anything blog-related), I tried to download the app onto my phone – no dice. The Android version said that “there was a problem parsing the package,” and the Google Play store said that my phone wasn’t compatible with the current version of the app (it requires Android 6.0 or higher).
I was actually okay with this – while I’m sure the app is fun to play with, the vibrator is fun enough on its own. To be quite honest, it took me some time to warm up to the Crescendo. It’s called the Crescendo for a reason; most of the patterns rise and fall or switch between different motors in the vibrator. I’m used to using vibrators with one major point of vibration, so even when they use patterns, it’s always in the same spot. Not so with the Crescendo. At first, I found this frustrating – this is not a vibrator that you use in a pinch to get your rocks off before running out the door. It takes a bit of time and buildup. This is a lazy Sunday afternoon vibrator. Because of that, however, and because it can be used hands-free (awesome!), I found that my orgasms with it were more intense than usual. Instead of tensing into my orgasm, I could lay back and let the sensations build and build before coming, which is something I’ve been trying to work on lately.
There are a couple of minor drawbacks for me – I could bend it into the shape I wanted, but couldn’t get it inside of me while it was in that shape… and once I had it inside of me, could no longer bend it into the shape I wanted. I got close, though. At times I would go to push it deeper inside and accidentally hit the buttons, changing the speed or pattern; it would be nice to have a kind of locking mechanism to prevent that were it possible. It is a lot noisier than the website lets on (it is “expected to create some noise”); that’s not a problem for me, as I’m noisy as fuck when I’m having sex… but there is one pattern that involves a sound that to me mimics an elephant trumpet, which I find mildly alarming.
There are also some major drawbacks. The Crescendo falls somewhere in the middle of the buzzy – rumbly spectrum, but a lot of the vibrations are on the buzzy end; I wish they were a bit more rumbly. Maybe it’s that the motors are buried underneath the flexing mechanisms, or maybe they’re just buzzy motors. Perhaps that’s why it takes me longer to get off with this vibe. Another big drawback is the price; at $200, it feels like you’re paying for the novelty of having a bendable vibrator.
That being said, there are also big benefits. It has wireless charging, and you can wash it after use (just don’t submerge it) – a big deal for an insertable vibrator. You can register for a warranty if you buy it, which I think is fantastic! It has a nice feel to it, too; the outer shell is made of soft silicone (not medical-grade). My very favorite thing about it is that after using it as a dual-stim vibrator, I can take it out, change the shape, and keep using it as an A-spot stimulator without having to change toys. That’s pretty badass in my book. You know that feeling right before you come where your whole body is tingling and you feel waves of ecstasy? The Crescendo had me in that state for a loooong while; it’s a toy I will use whenever I have leisure time.
All in all – the Mystery Vibe Crescendo is an innovative and creative (but rather expensive) product that can suit many needs, comes in beautiful packaging, and will be lots of fun to experiment with!
UPDATE! I just got an email from the creator of the Crescendo; he tells me that a) they’re working on a firmware upgrade so that the device can be locked into a certain pattern / intensity; b) they’re working with the motor manufacturer to make a quieter motor and more rumbly motors on the ends of the device. Yea!
*Full disclosure: Mystery Vibe sent me a sample of the Crescendo, but did not ask me to write a review.
The Butters is an all-natural lube – no parabens, no glycerin, no added colors or scents or chemicals. It’s vegan and plant-based, and I can pronounce and identify all of the ingredients, which makes me feel good. It’s not just lube, though – it has a multitude of uses. The first thing I used it for was makeup removal; as someone who wears makeup infrequently, it was nice to have something to remove my foundation once in a while that wouldn’t dry out my skin without having to buy a special product. The second thing I used it for was shaving my legs (I usually use conditioner), and it worked great! I’ve used it for moisturizer as well, and I’m kind of sad that I don’t have Docs to shine with it.
By the time I got around to putting it on my naughty bits, I was already sold. The Butters is longer-lasting than water-based lube, but not as fluid as pure coconut oil; best of all, you can use it on silicone toys (but don’t use it with toys that are made from porous materials). Something I really like about this lube is that I can use it externally and not have to re-apply (a reason I like to use silicone lube on my vulva) while using a silicone toy internally at the same time and not worry about getting silicone lube on it accidentally. This lube is fantastic for butt toys – I’ve used it with beads and plugs, and it’s perfect! I like that it’s slippery without being runny – it’s creamy instead. I’ve used it for manual sex, externally on myself and on a male partner; in a long hand job session, I only needed to grab a bit more lube once! My partner was really into it, too (I believe his exact quote was, “Where can I buy this?!”).*
As for vaginal use – I think that’s a personal call. There’s a lot of discussion and disagreement among sex educators about using plant-based oils as vaginal lubricants; if you’re fine with other oils, this might be okay as well. I’m prone to yeast infections, so I prefer not to use oils inside my vag at all. And a quick PSA: Please don’t use oil-based lubes with condoms, kids.
Something I love about The Butters is the discreet packaging – once you take the label off, it’s just a small black tub. It could be anything – meaning you can leave it in plain sight and never have to answer questions about it. I wish it came available in a pump or squeeze tube, though; maybe someday down the road? One of the best things about it is the price; at half the price (or less) of other lubes on the market, it’s a steal! A 4oz tub of The Butters is only $4.50 compared to the $8 – 10 price range of other lubes at that size.
The Butters has a faint scent kind of reminiscent of a new silicone toy – not unpleasant, but present. Not strong enough to smell if your nose isn’t right next to it, but it will stay on your fingers for a little while. It kind of looks like semen when it’s being rubbed over a body part, which is delightful… and hot. Overall, this is a great lube. The texture, the endurance, and the multiple uses won my… heart. Highly recommended! And if you’re not in the market for oil-based lube, pop over to LTASEX anyway for a good dose of entertainment and education.
I could still see her juices glistening on my dildo after she said stop, she couldn’t handle any more pleasure. She was covered in sweat, her hair a mess, and stunning. Long after I washed my hands I could still smell her on my fingers, still feel her sizzling on my tongue. It was a good Saturday night.
|A bit like these guys…|
I didn’t have time to take a photo for the prompt this week (the end of the semester is always busy); however, I remembered that I had an old photo taken in my apartment years ago before heading to the Dore Alley Fair in San Francisco. I had a friend visiting from Wisconsin and taking her to Dore on a leash was absolutely delightful… especially given that I was hiding a secret under my leather skirt. You never know what’s underneath, ladies and gentlemen, unless you ask politely.
For other secrets, click the lips below!