I have a good friend who’s a wine aficionado; we got into a silly conversation last night over dinner about the tastes and smells of genitals and their secretions (because what else would you talk about over dinner?), and he mentioned that he once noticed a mild mushroom scent emanating from a vulva he was going to town on (which I’m pretty sure is a sign of infection…). I told him that I’ve also tasted semen that had a mushroom taste. “You know what wine would go well with that?” he asked. “An Oregon pinot noir.” I laughed and said that he should have a glass of wine handy the next time he was getting a blow job so that he could hand it to his partner when she was finished and start explaining how the bouquet of flavors and notes in the wine complement his dick. I asked: “What if the semen is really bitter?” In that case, he recommends a pinot grigio to counteract the bitterness, or if you want something a bit sweeter, a beaujolais with berry notes and a lighter body. For arugula-esque peppery spunk, he’d go with a zin or syrah. I know zero things about wine, but I do know that all semen tastes differently depending on diet, body chemistry, smoking, etc. — so maybe I’ll just keep a flight in my fridge just in case.