Elust 106

 

Photo courtesy of submiss34f

Welcome to Elust 106

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #107? Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Orgasms Save Me From Myself

Charlie’s Bar

I’m Not Ready to Love My Body

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Letters and Lonely Hearts

I Want to Curve and Ache

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Don’t fear the smear

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too* Continue reading “Elust 106”

Advertisements

The Misogyny Inherent in Abstinence-Only Education

Sex education in the United States is a clusterfuck; this is news to no one.  Each state creates its own guidelines, meaning that students in different states receive wildly different variations on sex ed – if they receive any at all.  For example, only thirteen states require their sex ed programs to be medically accurate, and five states dictate that homosexuality must be framed negatively if discussed at all.

Last July, the Department of Health and Human Services told organizations which receive five-year grants through the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program that their funding would be cut off this coming June – two years early.  Several of these organizations sued HHS in federal court in order to keep their grants, and many of them won their cases this spring.

While the FY 2018 budget bill maintained funding for the TPPP, HIV prevention programs, and PREP (the Personal Responsibility Education Program, which also gives grants to organizations providing comprehensive sex ed), it also increased grants for abstinence-only education programs.

There is a ton of research studying the efficacy of abstinence-based programs versus comprehensive sex ed programs; while I encourage you to do a deep dive into those numbers, that’s not what I want to focus on.  I wrote my master’s thesis on the impacts of abstinence-only education and would like to impart two things:

  • States that stress abstinence in their schools have higher teen pregnancy and STI transmission rates, and
  • The explicit and implicit messages to young people in abstinence-only curricula are incredibly harmful.

I’d like to expound on the second point.  These programs don’t just tell students not to have sex; they tell students that people who have sex before marriage are damaged.  For my thesis, I got my hands on the teaching materials for three different abstinence-only curricula*; the words risk, life-threatening, promiscuous, addictive, depression, guilt, and shame are used repeatedly throughout these texts to describe young people who have sex.  They describe sexually young women specifically as feeling cheap, used, empty, and full of self-loathing.  One says that abstinence means “freedom from guilt, disappointment, losing respect, and compromising values.”  The curricula that mention sexual harassment, coercion, and rape are chock-full of victim blaming; one even tells girls that “provocative dress is disrespectful to the man you’re with.”  One doesn’t mention sexual coercion at all.

They frame abstinence as a choice, but having sex as a lack of will power. Gender and orientation spectrums are never addressed.  There is no mention of divorce, adultery, or any family structure that’s non-nuclear (making several student populations invisible).  Don’t even get me started on gender roles: According to abstinence-only education, women are weak, emotional victims who need “hours of mental preparation” for sex, while men are irresponsible, predatory liars who “see intimacy as competition.”  The teacher’s guide for one of these programs directs the teacher to “ask a girl” to read the part of a rape victim and to “ask a guy” to read the part of a porn addict.  They tell young people that women need to be provided for and that male partners shouldn’t be criticized because men need to feel competent in order to feel loved.

These language choices are NOT a mistake; the funding guidelines for receiving Title V grant money for abstinence-only programs state that the materials must teach that “a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of sexual activity” and that “sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical affects (italics mine).”

AO curricula also frame sex as something to be given and taken, which brings me to one of many reasons why comprehensive sexuality education is so important: Abstinence-only programs are incredibly misogynistic and lack any component regarding communicating about wants, needs, boundaries, and agency within relationships.  AO curricula reinforce a lot of the shit that members of misogynist movements believe – and that’s a big fucking deal.  A lot has been written about these movements in the past few weeks; what I’d like to contribute to that conversation is that abstinence-only education programs back them up by posing sex as transactional, by propping up binary, stereotypical, and dangerous gender roles, and by saying that women provoke men into predatory sexual behavior.  Detrimental messages about gender roles aren’t just propagated by the media and held up by people we know; some of them are directly taught in schools.

Congress funds AO programs at more than $100 million / year.

In order to survive, PREP and TPPP need a lot of public support, especially now; if you live in the United States and write or call your members of Congress on the regular, you might want to mention this the next time a budget bill comes up. If you don’t, please start.  If you are a parent, please, PLEASE tell your school board that you want your child to receive comprehensive sexual health education.  Not just STI and contraception information, but conversations about healthy relationships, gender, sexuality, and media critique.  It is absolutely imperative that young people have access to curricula that validate their families and lived experiences, that humanizes them, that gives them agency, and that gives them tools to critique the world around them and communicate with love, compassion, and clarity.

Want to know what kind of sex education is taught in your state?  You can find out on the SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the US) website.

 

 

 

*DM or email me if you want the names of the curricula I read.

 

Trust

A few months ago, I wrote a piece on blindfolds for KOTW; when I talked to The Engineer about this, he mentioned that while he loves blindfolding me, he wasn’t really into being blindfolded.  He’s a bit claustrophobic, so I think sensory deprivation and bondage generally aren’t comfortable for him.  But then he said: “If you want to blindfold me, you can.  I trust you.”  My heart melted.

Blindfolded Propaganda Woman Girl Walking

Fast forward to his recent visit; I was giving him a long body massage next to the fire one night, and inspiration struck.  I asked him to turn over to his back; I grabbed my new furry blindfold and asked gently if I could put it on.  The atmosphere was relaxed – candles, soft music, wine, warm and loving hands.  I started out by touching his legs, arms, and stomach, and then moved onto his cock – hard as a rock – taking it alternately into my mouth as far as I could and then back into my hands, stroking it and running my tongue along its length.  I sidled my body up his oiled body so that I could kiss him.  Being kissed (especially a deep, sensual kiss) while blindfolded is a singular experience.  It feels so intimate and electric because the sense of touch is heightened.  All of the other senses are heightened.  An ecstatic whimper emerged from his throat, and it was a beautiful sound to behold.

Roused by my memories of Sex and Lucia (if you haven’t seen this movie, stop reading right now and go watch it), I wet a finger and traced it along his lips; I dipped one nipple between his parted lips, followed by the other, which he relished.  I raised myself so I could kneel over his face and gently lower my clit onto his waiting tongue; I’m sure the pressure of my knees against his ears and the resulting lack of sound added to his expanded tactile experience.  He lapped at my swollen vulva, sticky with webs of viscous juices, until I needed him inside of me.  I straddled his cock and slid him into my longing cunt.  Usually the first contact is the most exquisite; especially so in this case.  While riding him, I took off the blindfold and kissed him.  We ended up having some of the best sex we’ve ever had – I felt so deeply entwined with him and completely present in the moment; he told me later that he felt the same.

Sometimes experimentation goes awry; however, sometimes it opens us up to new and exhilarating feelings and experiences.  If you have a partner you deeply trust, try something new with them that you never thought you would like.  You may end up having a pretty fucking great night.

Pulse

The very first time I remember feeling pleasure on my clitoris and trying to recreate it was when I was twelve(ish?); clamping my hands around the edge of the deep end of a swimming pool, I remember feeling jets of water rushing over my crotch and thinking, “Hey, that feels pretty great; I wonder if I can do that in my very own bathtub?”  And indeed, I could!  That’s right, folks: I started wanking because of the Young Men’s Christian Association.  Thanks, YMCA.

When I was older and started using vibrators, I noticed that they gave me completely different sensations and orgasms; while I lasted longer using a vibrator, the orgasms I had were less intense.  I never thought I’d find a toy that gave me the same sensations that a strong jet of water could… but the toy has finally found me.  The pressure waves / pressurized air pulses of the Satisfyer toys (and the Womanizer toys, I’m sure) feel very much like water to me.  This is kind of bittersweet: While I get off faster and more efficiently, as soon as I come, I need the stimulation off my clit immediately, whereas with a vibrator, it might take me longer to climax, but I can keep it on my clit and continue to wank because the sensations don’t overstimulate me.

Specs

I (along with a TON of other sex bloggers) was sent three different Satisfyer toys to try out in exchange for an honest review – the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibrate, the Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit, and the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples.  All three:

  • use “air pulse technology” to create a kind of suction feeling
  • have a removable nozzle on the head for easy cleaning
  • are white with champagne / rose-colored accents
  • are waterproof and can therefore be submerged
  • are USB-rechargeable and connect to the chargers magnetically
  • have eleven levels of intensity for the wave / suction nozzle
  • have ten vibration patterns for the vibe; the patterns are similar to those on other vibrating toys
  • become a LOT more buzzy at higher vibration levels
  • cost $60 at the US Satisfyer website
  • are made of silicone and ABS plastic
  • have separate buttons for suction and vibration; you have to cycle through the vibration patterns but are able to raise and lower the suction level with separate buttons on all of them
  • have warnings in the user manuals not to “product to stimulate any part of the body for more than 15 minutes,” which is a bit worrisome.
  • are more easy to seal against the clit with a bit of lube
  • have an initial charge time of 2 – 8 hours

Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration

Charge time: 2 hours   Use time: 2 hours

You press and hold the button with the wave symbol on it in order to start and stop the vibrations; press and hold the button with the power symbol on it to start and stop the suction waves, which was confusing at first and ended up with me turning on the rather loud vibrator when I’d meant to turn on the quieter air pulse nozzle… I don’t live alone, so I rely on quiet toys for discreet wanking.  The manual says that you should “spread the labia apart to expose the clitoris” as to “perfectly position the pressure wave stimulator”; however, because my clit is so sensitive, I didn’t need to form a seal or position it perfectly – it got me off when loosely placed and on low settings.  This might not be true for someone who prefers or needs stronger or more intense stimulation.  The Pro Plus has a curved shape, and the buttons are super accessible (the power buttons are also different sizes, making it easy to distinguish between them if you can’t see them); while I love the way it fits into my hand, I can’t stop thinking that it looks like a penis fish / other various sea worms!  Take that as you will.  I use this toy often and love it; my favorite thing about it is that because of the way the nozzle is set up, when I turn on the vibrator, it vibrates around my clit.  As previously stated, I have a super sensitive clitoris, so I’m not a huge fan of direct stimulation; I love that I can use this toy as a vibrator when I want a more languid wank and as an air pulse toy when I just need a quick release.

Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit

Charge time: 3 hours    Use time: 2 hours

Both the air pressure waves and the vibrations of the rabbit are quieter than those on the Pro Plus Vibration model, which is nice if you don’t want to be heard; in this model, you just press and hold the increase button for the air pulse nozzle instead of pressing a power button, which I actually prefer (I found it less confusing).  Although I personally enjoy them, I wouldn’t recommend rabbit-style toys in general; as most of them have an immobile arm for clit stim, the chances that they’ll fit everyone’s anatomy are slim to none.  With this toy in particular, fit is important as many folks find that they need a seal around their clit in order to get off with the air pulse nozzle.  The Satisfyer Rabbit has an edge / ridge around the dildo part; I find it super uncomfortable and prefer a more round / smooth dildo.  Overall, I’m not really into this toy; I’d prefer a combination of a regular dildo and the Pro Plus so that I can take the stimulation off my clit immediately after I come, but keep using the dildo.

Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples

Charge time: 1.5 hours      Use time: 70 minutes

This model has the same controls as the Pro Plus Vibration model.  This was the first time I’ve ever used a couple’s toy; I’ve been super curious about all of the insertable WeVibes, for instance, but I wasn’t willing to shell out over $100 as someone whose primary partner lives on another continent.  Good thing, because I’m guessing they’d be as disappointing as this toy is.  It seems to me that the whole point of having toys like this is that you get a hands-free clitoral stimulator while having partnered penetrative sex… but the thing wouldn’t stay in.  I had to hold it in place the whole time, and it kept slipping and sliding around my clit because of the thrusting motions.  I also had a really difficult time feeling where the buttons were when it was in so I could raise and lower the pulse level.  I was able to get off with it, but only when I was on top of my partner and only when I was rocking more than riding.  Furthermore, the piece that’s meant to sit inside the vagina felt a bit sharp to me because it has a pointed shape; it was uncomfortable for me and my partner both, and I think a more round shape would be more comfortable.  This toy also has the same problem that the rabbit does: Not everyone’s body is shaped the same, and because the toy comes in one size, it will fit some people’s anatomy and not others’.  If I want clitoral stimulation during PIV / strap-on sex in the future, I’d feel better off with either a cock ring or a small hand-held vibrator (or a small air pulse toy like the Satisfyer Penguin).

In general, I really love the feeling of the air pressure waves / pulses in all of the Satisfyer toys; they’re completely different than motor-driven vibrations and great for a quick, efficient wank.  They feel pretty great on nipples as well!  The fact that these toys are rechargeable and can be completely submerged (and are quieter when they are) are huge selling points, and the chargers are fantastic.  I’m personally not into the white color; it feels too clinical, and I prefer bright, bold colors (anything but fucking pink).  Everyone has different preferences, however, and some reviewers are really into the white color.  I also love how affordable these toys are; that said, professional sex toy reviewers have had some problems with the quality of the toys, and I haven’t had the toys long enough to be able to say how long they will last / function.

Final verdict: If you’re on a budget, don’t care about noise level (the toys can get pretty loud), and like a quick and intense release, I’d highly recommend the Pro Plus.  The sensations are unique, the toy can be adapted for different body parts and types, and you can use both the vibrator and the air pulse nozzle when you’re feeling up for one or the other (or both)!  I think it would be a fabulous toy to attempt to edge with while wanking.

Special Announcement!

If you’d like to purchase one of these lovely toys for yourself or someone you love to celebrate Jesus becoming a zombie, you can get a 25% discount on any of Satisfyer’s toys from March 30th – April 2nd (ends at 11:59 pm MESZ) with discount code teachershavesex25 at www.satisfyer.com.  Toys can only be mailed to Europe, Canada, and the US.

 

PrinciPAL

As Livvy did such an ace job writing a doctor parody, I thought I’d take a crack at writing an education parody for EuphOff!  It feels a bit more lilac than purple, but it is full of absolutely terrible puns.  I’m not actually entering the contest because I also have the exact same toys to give away and am still trying to figure out the best way to do that (Satisfyer reviews forthcoming!), but this was SO much fun to write.  Also, trigger warning: This is a piece about an administrator and a high school student.

“I hear you’ve been behaving very badly,” Principal Johnson said, cupping Tina’s chin in his rugged, yet tender, hand.  Tina looked down at her cheeky cleavage and blushed; her button-down white uniform shirt could barely contain her nubile breasts.  “I don’t know what you mean,” she said innocently, her enchanting eyelashes fluttering just so.  “You’re supposed to graduate next week, Tina,” Mr. Johnson said – “but I don’t think that’s going to happen with an F in English.”  “But Mr. Johnson, that teacher doesn’t like me!” Tina protested with a startling urgency.  “I think she’s jealous,” she pouted.

“And what might she be jealous of?” Mr. Johnson asked.  “She keeps making snide remarks about my body,” Tina said, finally looking Mr. Johnson in the eye. “She says that skirt length has an inverse relationship with depth of thought – but I have an A in all my other classes.  Do you think my skirt is too short?”  “I don’t know, Tina,” he replied.  “I’ll have to examine the evidence.”  Tina stood up; he walked languidly around his desk, stepped behind her, and crouched down, her apple bottom teasing his bulging eyes.  “Now,” he said, “You know your skirt isn’t supposed to be shorter than two inches above your knee.”  He ran his animated fingers up the backs of her trembling thighs until they reached the elevated hem of her skirt, far too scant for a schoolgirl.

“I have to graduate, Mr. Johnson,” Tina pleaded with crystalline teardrops threatening to fall from her large, impassioned blue eyes.  “Isn’t there something you can do to help me?”  “Perhaps,” Mr. Johnson said in a composed voice.  “I want to see just how bad you really are – let’s have a look at your best practices.”  “Sir?” Tina asked, her heart thudding in her chest like a timpani drum.  He continued moving his hands upward, under her skirt, until they reached the three-way junction of her thong.  “Tina, Tina, Tina,” he tutted, his fingers hooked into the skimpy strings, “I don’t think this is what a scholar would wear to study hall.”  I’d love to study your hall, he thought, suppressing a smile.

“But sir –” she started.  Mr. Johnson cut her off.  “It’s no use trying to talk your way out this time, Tina.  You’re going to have to show me that you’re willing to work to get me – er, your grade – up.”  He could feel his principal organ doing some higher-order thinking skills under his trousers.  “Yes, sir,” she said in a husky voice, feeling a few participatory flutters herself.  Mr. Johnson placed a piece of paper and a number two pencil on his desk; she loved the smell of his wood.  “Now, Tina,” he said – “You’re failing English, right?”  “Yes, sir,” she confirmed.  “I’m going to give you a few vocabulary words,” he said; “I want you to write them down, along with their definition and their part of speech.  Think you can do that?”  “Oh, yes, sir!” she said, eager to commence.  As she tipped her youthful bosom over the slender paper and took the pencil in her delicate fingers, he lifted her skirt.  “There’s no question about it,” he said.  “I’d like to punctuate your bottom.”

“Mr. Johnson?” she queried, a puzzled look in her eye. “Never you mind,” he said.  “Your first word is turgid.”  T-u-r-g-e-d, she wrote.  Looking so closely over her shoulder that he could smell her rose perfume, he gave her ass a thwack.  “Incorrect spelling,” he said.  Her cheeks flushed; he looked down and noticed his participle was no longer dangling.  Adjective, she wrote next to it.  “Good,” he said.  “And the definition?”  “I- I don’t know, sir,” she admitted.  “You’ll find out soon enough,” he said, adjusting himself.  “I don’t think this written assessment will work, Tina.  But don’t worry – we can do a performance assessment.”  “Oh, thank you, sir!” she said.  “Yesssss,” he drawled.  “We’re going to do some daily oral language.” She turned around to look at him as he unbuckled his belt.

“Now that’s a proper noun,” she said, looking at his pulsing paste-maker.  “I bet you’ve got quite a portfolio, Principal Johnson.”  He chuckled.  “I think you’re getting it, Tina,” he said, knowing his semi-moist treat stick was also about to get it.  “You’re going to make an excellent subordinate clause.  And remember,” he said as she dropped to her knees, her succulent lips parting as she readied for her hot lunch: “Show your work.  If you do well on this assignment, we can move on to conjugation.”

Privates of the Caribbean*

“Babe, can I talk to you about something?” asked The Engineer in a small and hesitant voice on the phone yesterday.  As this particular tone is normally reserved for times when he’s feeling anxious, hurt, or insecure, I automatically said, “Yes, of course.”  And then he dropped something completely out of the blue on me: He’d just gone on Twitter to delete his account, and he noticed that Twitter had recommended my blog account to him as a potential account to follow.

He knows that I write a sex blog; I send him what I write about us before I post it, and though I’ve told him that he’s free to read it, he’s chosen not to as he doesn’t want to read about my past partners in graphic detail.  He’s been careful to respect my privacy, so being confronted with my Tweets freaked him out a bit – and completely fucking unnerved me.  Not because it’s him, but because… how the fuck did my blog account show up on his Twitter?!?!?!?!?  It left me wondering: Since I’ve been using the same browser for both my personal and my blog email (a mistake which I have since rectified), is Twitter trawling my personal email account for contacts unbeknownst to me?  Who’s next?  My close friends?  My family?  My coworkers?

Secret, Top, Stamp, Spy, Army, Military

I got my first smart phone after I started writing the blog; I remembered early on in blogging that Cammies had posted a Tweet about how Twitter automatically sent out a suggestion to follow her blog account to every contact on her phone when she used it – it was at that point that I knew I would never, ever use my phone to do anything blog-related.  I use strict privacy settings on my browsers, I don’t use Facebook at all because I’m anxious about my privacy, and… for some reason I didn’t bother to check the privacy settings on Twitter when I signed up for it.  I’ve since marked that I don’t want my account suggested based on email, but I’ve also found out that Twitter makes suggestions for accounts to follow based on physical proximity, meaning that I was likely suggested to The Engineer because I was blogging at his apartment when I went to visit last fall. And if so… does that mean that anyone who opens Twitter on their phone at my house will see my blog account recommended to them?  That seems super fucking creepy and invasive.

As you may know if you follow sex news, teachers are routinely fired for being normal human beings with personal lives.  I love that there are sex bloggers who are completely out, but if I want to continue being an educator of young people, that’s not an option for me.  Since I started writing the blog, I’ve always felt pretty safe about avoiding being discovered by people I don’t want discovering me, and well… I don’t feel safe anymore.  If you blog anonymously, what do you do to protect the privacy of your identity?

 

*First of all, GOD I HOPE THIS IS A PORN TITLE.  Second of all, I know the post title has nothing to do with the content, but since this week’s Wicked Wednesday theme is pirates and I’m not writing a piece of pirate-themed erotica, this was the least I could do.  😀

Elust 103

Photo courtesy of Tits and Test Tubes

Welcome to Elust 103

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #104 Start with the rules, come back March 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

The Friend and The Acquaintance

The dress rehearsal

Lake Malawi

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Color Me Kinky

A Slow Burn on a Summer Night.

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Voodoo Me

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too

Continue reading “Elust 103”

Lake Malawi

I wear a red pencil skirt and a tight black tank top; he says I’m the best-looking woman in the room.  I know it’s not true, but I love him for saying it.  We get drinks and sit back at first, watching all the other vacationing revelers and locals dance together; we aren’t drunk enough yet to join the fray, so we chat quietly to each other while stroking each other’s arms and legs.  A couple of drinks in, I’m feeling better about dancing, so I stand up and stride into the middle of the floor, keenly aware of the fact that he’s watching me move my hips in figure eights and play off of other dancers’ moves.  He stares at me from the bar as I dance with other men, wanting me more than ever.  When I walk over to him and suggest we take a detour to the bathroom, he is so in.  We walk back to where the restrooms are, keeping watch of people coming and going until there’s a lull in traffic, which is when we take the opportunity to dip into the ladies and sneak into a stall.  We put our empty glasses on the back of the toilet; I sit on the lid and unbuckle his belt, eager for what’s underneath.  I unzip his jeans and pull out his semi-erect cock, letting it grow in my warm, moist mouth, making bright red smears on it with my lip gloss.

He slides his fingers into my hair, pulling my head toward him, leaning his own back and closing his eyes with satisfaction as he thrusts in past my lips until he’s rock hard, head tight and glistening with my spit.  In a moment of inspiration, he takes my hands and pulls them up and underneath his belt, then continues to fuck my face in a way I would only let someone do if I really loved them.

I pull back eventually and look up at him, my eyes laughing because the bathroom is now filled with the chatter of drunk 22 year-olds.  I continue stroking him, holding a steady gaze, until we can no longer hear voices.  He zips up and I peek out first before conspiratorially grabbing his hand and tip-toeing back out into the bar.  We continue drinking: beer, shots, cocktails.  At one point we’re at the far corner of the bar – not quite hidden, but not quite out in the open – and he says, “I have something for you.” He unzips and pulls his cock out, then places my hand over it.  “What are you doing?!” I squeak.  “It’s fine,” he slurs. Luckily, everyone else in the room seems to be in the same state we are, so I touch him lightly with my fingertips, trying to block the view with my body.  I’m not as concerned later on in the evening when he pulls one of my legs onto his lap and slides a hand up the inside length of my skirt before slipping a finger under my knickers and into my cunt.  Then I give zero fucks about who can see us.  I tilt my pelvis toward his hand, clenching around his finger.  He laughs and pulls it out before putting it into his mouth to savor my taste.

We leave the bar and walk down the beach toward our guesthouse; there are no lights along the way, so anywhere is good.  We park in front of an overturned canoe; he sits down against the faded wood, drunk enough not to care about having sand all over his bare ass, and I slide a condom down over his surprisingly-erect dick (ah, the beauty of youth) before straddling him and using the strength in my quads and gluts to rise and sink down onto his cock.  I hold his head in my hands and kiss him, my knees stinging from the hard sand, my cunt wanting and wanting and wanting, all charge and sizzle.  A couple of people walk past us on the beach with their phone flashlights on to guide the way; I sit perfectly still for a couple of minutes while they pass, convinced that since I’m wearing a skirt, it’s fiiiiine.  If we don’t move, they can’t see us.  I restart and ride until the sand becomes too much, at which point we stumble 100 meters to our guesthouse and pass out, tangled limbs fitting together like Tetris pieces.

We wake up hungover to a bed covered in sand; we mumble “Morning” to each other with sleepy eyes and knowing smiles, then kiss each other languidly in the blind-striped, mid-morning sunshine.  We gossip about ourselves over a full fry-up and suddenly, I know I’m in deep.  Dangerous waters, maybe – but I’m a diver and I know the risks.  For now, his arms are a buoy, his lips a regulator.  I’m safe.

 

Happily Barren

I first got on the pill when I was fifteen (shout out to Planned Parenthood!); I finally stopped twenty years later after ingesting approximately 5,500 bits of estrogen and progestin.  Not wanting to go back on hormones once I stopped using them, I had a tiny copper IUD placed in my (apparently) tiny uterus, which promptly rejected it.  I thought the expulsion was due to my menstrual cup, so I got a new IUD placed, bought a lighter and more flexible menstrual cup, and started to be super careful about breaking the seal and watching for my IUD strings.  Despite my caution, as I squatted to pee in the middle of the night in a completely dark outhouse in the middle of rural Uganda this past April, I could feel my IUD strings poking out – seven months after I’d had it placed… almost as if my uterus didn’t want a foreign body lodged inside of it.  As I pulled an IUD the rest of the way out of my cervix for the second time in one year, I sighed, thinking: “Now what?”

Months away from coming back to the US, I knew I’d have to rely on condoms (which I usually use, anyway) and withdrawal for the rest of my trip and potentially for the rest of my life.  It was then that I started thinking about a more permanent option.   I’m not afraid of having babies (though a LOT of what Livvy wrote resonated with me) – I just don’t want them.  I love the idea of fostering or adopting an older child at some point, but I decidedly do not want to grow or raise infants.

Shortly after I came home this year, I went to my local STI clinic to get some routine testing done; while talking to a medical assistant about contraception, I casually mentioned that someday when I do have insurance, I sure would like to get a tubal ligation.  “Oh,” she said casually while typing my information into a spreadsheet – “In that case, let me sign you up for family planning health care.  It’s covered.”  I was incredulous and overjoyed; she made it so easy.  I signed some documents, called around to clinics to make an appointment, and finally got in to see a doctor in mid-November.

He asked, in short: Why do you want a tubal?  I told him my contraceptive history and my very strong desire not to breed.  Okay, he said.  No argument.  No “Are you sure?  You’ll change your mindWomen are made to reproduce and your life will be incomplete without a baby.”  None of that.  He just listened to me, trusted me, and said, “Okay.”  There was a month waiting period before I could have the procedure done; I had to sign a waiver saying the state of Wisconsin wasn’t asking me to get sterilized (there is a long and terrible history in this country of people living in poverty, people of color, prisoners, and folks with mental health issues being sterilized against their will), and I had to get the surgery done in a suburb because the Catholic hospital he works for doesn’t allow tubal ligations to take place there.  Because of course they don’t.  I’m lucky I had transportation to get out there in the dead of winter; a lot of women don’t.

It ended up being a short outpatient procedure; I came in at 6:30 in the morning, was on the table by 8:00 am, came out of anesthesia by 9:30, and was home by 10:30.  I met with the anesthesiologist, the nurses, and the doctor to ask questions before the procedure, which was very simple: he made a small incision in my belly button and inflated my abdomen with gas, then inserted a small camera called a laparoscope; he made another small incision in my lower abdomen and inserted the surgical instruments through that incision, placing plastic clips on my fallopian tubes.  Everything out, all stitched and bandaged up, and presto!  No more need to weigh the pros and cons of various methods of contraception.

Check out the sweet mesh panties they gave me to wear home…

Before I left, I had to ask in my very groggy state: How long before I can have sex?  For how long do I need to use a backup method of birth control?  I had to ask these questions because no one bothered to tell me.  When I asked the last question, the nurse responded, “Oh, you have a boyfriend?”  Last time I checked, I didn’t need a long-term partner in order to have sex, but hey – it’s Wisconsin?  They gave me a prescription for a few Percocet and sent me home, where my mother literally tucked me in and made me soup.

My mom is amazing.  She desperately wants grandchildren; all of her siblings and friends have them, and she has no children to spoil.  My sister doesn’t want kids either, so my mom is left wanting to smell baby scalp and looking at Facebook photos of other people’s babies.  I was so scared to tell her that I was getting sterilized – but she had the best reaction I could ever hope for.  “There are too many unwanted children in the world,” she said – “So if you don’t want one, you shouldn’t have one.”  She was so supportive and respectful of my choices.  I found it strange and ironic that she was the one to care for me after my surgery, but I’m glad, too – I feel lucky to have a mom I can trust and enjoy spending time with.  Also, I can’t imagine a better place to be while letting my body heal.

I spent the day of the surgery sleeping; the cramps were terrible, and I bled for three days.  Now, four days after the procedure, I’m still a bit crampy and sore, but I can be out in the world.  I can’t exercise or lift heavy things for a couple of weeks, but I finally got to shower and get all that iodine off my torso, which felt like a small victory.  The incisions are small and healing nicely, and I can’t wait for The Engineer to pump me full of jizz.

I’ve spent the past ten years having some variation of this conversation:

Me: “I don’t want kids.”

Other person: “Don’t worry; you still have time.” / “You’ll change your mind!” / “But you’d be such a great mom.” / “What if your future partner wants kids?”

Me: *silently rolls eyes, frustrated not to actually be heard*

I am pro-choice; for me, that means that women should not only have the right to terminate a pregnancy safely, but that they should have the right to prevent pregnancy in a way that feels right to them and ALSO that women should be able to have as many children as they want in a safe and healthy environment.  I’m a nomad who doesn’t find babies cute or understand the way that people fawn over them; they’re just not for me.  And I’m so grateful to have a doctor and a family who understand that enough to say, “Okay.”

Top 100 Sex Blogs of 2017

Molly has done it once again: undertaken the Herculean effort of putting together a top 100 sex blog list while also co-organizing a massive conference.  The woman is superhuman is all I’m sayin’.

Some of these blogs are new to me; after checking out the ones I was unfamiliar with, I’m especially excited to start following The Beautiful Kind and Poly Land.  With so many brilliant blogs to read, how does anyone ever get anything done?

That said, here’s the 2018 list; happy exploring!

  1. Kayla Lords: A Sexual Being

I think once Kayla turns her mind to something she dedicates herself to it 110% and this year the result of that is that she has managed to secure herself the No. 1 spot on this list. Her writing is always excellent and her content is hugely varied, she writes fiction, personal essays and thought pieces, as well as advice and reviews. She is an amazing resource for anyone looking for content about D/s relationships and I think she is absolutely deserved winner of this year’s No.1 spot.

  1. Temperatures Rising

Mrs Fever appeared at No.10 on last year’s list. She is an absolute wordsmith in my opinion. Her writing is intelligent, thought-provoking, sexy and passionate and I am constantly drawn back into her blog to get lost in her world of words.

  • Follow her on Twitter: N/A
  1. Girly Juice

Kate has absolutely earned her place in the top ten this year in my opinion. She is a talented and exciting writer and her blog is well designed and structured and in my opinion she is absolutely brilliant at what she does.

  1. Pain as Pleasure

This is a first since I have been doing the list; a blog going from the ‘new voices’ section straight into the top ten but Bibulousone has done exactly that. I find his writing utterly enthralling. He tackles the complexities of his life and relationship situation with a raw honesty that is both fascinating and addictive reading.

  1. Rebel’s Notes

Rebel’s blog continues to be of a consistently high standard both in the content she produces and in the layout and design of her site. This year has been a tough year for her dealing with her Mother’s illness and passing but she is not one to shy away from writing about tricky difficult issues and the honesty she brings to her writing is something to be admired.

Follow her on Twitter: @Rebelsnotes

  1. Not So Sex in the City

This was a new discovery for me on last year’s list and one I have continued to enjoy throughout the year. She is writer with a compelling style. She can make you laugh, cry and get turned on and sometimes that is all in one post.

  1. Pandora Blake

Over the years Pandora Blake’s blog has changed and evolved alongside their own personal and professional evolution. As a result the content currently reflects their extensive work on fighting porn censorship in the UK and their blog is a hugely valuable resource for both those producing adult content and those consuming it not just in the UK but worldwide.

  1. Scandarella

Damn can this woman write a short story! Her blog is a mixture of reviews, personal essays and fiction and it is all extremely well written but her story telling is some of the best around and why she has not published an anthology of sexy wicked stories is a mystery to me.

  1. The Beautiful Kind

Kendra is one of the blogs which I was reading even before I started blogging. In fact she is a very small group of bloggers who definitely had a role to play in inspiring me to start my own blog. Over the years her story has been complex, difficult and inspirational and she has shared it all on her blog in her perfectly candid style.

  1. Red Hot Suz

And in at number 10 we have the awesome Suz. Her blog is a fabulous mix of well crafted sex toy reviews, thought pieces and personal essays that explore a large variety of sex related topics.

Continue reading “Top 100 Sex Blogs of 2017”