Monogamish?

I spent several years listening to Dan Savage give the sage advice to callers that sometimes, they just have to pay a price of admission – AKA, not getting everything they want in a relationship – in order to maintain it.  Every time I heard him say this, I always thought, “Phew!  Glad it’s not me calling in – what a conundrum!”  I was never much for compromise.  If a partner wanted me to make a serious compromise to my needs and desires, I’d just let them go in search of more compatible partners.

Heart, Love, Romance, Valentine, Harmony

Partners. After resisting the label of polyamory for a couple of years – I always insisted that I was barely amorous, so I couldn’t be polyamorous – I fell recklessly in love and realized that not only do I have the capability to love deeply, but that allowing myself the authenticity to explore the possibilities of multiple relationships at once makes me really happy.  I moved from calling myself non-monogamous to calling myself polyamorous, and it felt right.  It still feels right.

My people are perverts and hippies; I surround myself with sex nerds and intentionally choose to date other poly people – or at least, I used to.

The Engineer was supposed to be a one-night stand.  I didn’t expect him to ask me to spend a second night with him – let alone the whole day.  I didn’t expect him to uproot his travel plans to follow me into another country.  I didn’t expect him to uproot them yet again to meet me for two weeks at the end of my trip last year – and I certainly didn’t think on that night we met in Rwanda a year and a half ago that someday down the road, I’d want to move to another country and start my life over again to be with him.  But I do.  His emotional intelligence, his honesty, his generosity, his loving nature, and his willingness to adventure with me blow me away.  Just when I think he can’t be a more amazing partner, he shows up at my door wearing a tux a week before he’s supposed to get here.  Just when I think I can’t possibly feel any more deeply cared for, he learns how to play our song on the piano and makes a video of it for my birthday.  True story!

He prioritizes me and makes me feel valued in a way I’ve always done for other partners.  He means what he says, keeps his word, and intentionally makes time for me.  My relationship with him is one which is worth compromising for.

I knew The Engineer was monogamous when we first met – but because I didn’t think it was going to be more than a travel fling, I didn’t think of that as a deal-breaker.  Even during our first full week together when we were telling people at our guesthouse that we were on our honeymoon, I just brushed it off.  Now, on our way to two years in, it feels like a big deal.  As we’re long distance, we’ve come to an uneasy negotiation about being monogamish.  And when I say “we,” I mean me.  I’m okay with him sleeping with other women.  He’s pretty uncomfortable with the idea of me hooking up.

So I haven’t.  Still – I need to know that it’s not an instant deal-breaker if I meet someone at a bar and want to bang them or develop a crush on someone.  I need to be able to tell my partner when I experience those things without worrying that it’s going to destroy our relationship.  In my early twenties, I cheated on / broke up with a few partners because I developed feelings for other people while in the relationship, and I didn’t think I had any choice other than cheating or breaking up.

I know better now.  Here’s the weird part, though: I’d started thinking that because of my past experiences, a monogamous relationship would never work for me.  I thought that this would be harder, but the fact that both of us have been honest about what we want from the get-go and that we check in about it frequently makes it feel good.  The fact that I’m choosing to be with a monogamous partner who knows I’d prefer not to be feels better than trying to be monogamous because it’s what I think is expected of me.  And maybe I’m actually ambiamorous, much like I’m bisexual: Floating somewhere in the middle, enjoying all the things.

Since I’ve met The Engineer, I’ve had a couple of sexy hankerings and even a genuine crush, but no feelings that I’ve really wanted to pursue.  I haven’t experienced any of the FOMO that I thought I might.  Then again – perhaps I’m being naïve and all of this will change when / if I do meet someone else I develop a romantic attachment to.  Or when / if he does. Only time will tell, I guess – but the same can be said for default mono relationships.  The important thing is that we keep talking and acknowledging that while we may not be the most perfectly compatible partners, there are things that both of us are willing to compromise on to make this work – because holy shit, is it worth it.

We’re planning on visiting a sex club together in January and talking about exploring threesomes (yea!!!) – but for right now, in this moment, I’m quite happy snuggling up at night and whispering “I love you, my nest” into the phone, looking forward to the next time that I get to feel his arms wrapped tight around me.  And then fantasizing about riding him while another woman sits on his face.

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Top 100 Sex Blogs 2018

This is a re-post of Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs List of 2018, sponsored by Chaturbate.  Molly is absolutely indefatigable in her efforts to bolster the sex blogging community in a time of pushback and suppression from government and social media.  She is a goddess among us, and her hard work on this is proof!

To all the amazing sex bloggers who tear open their hearts, spill their guts, and allow us to pick their brains – thank you.  Please, please, PLEASE check out the New Voices page as well; I’m especially enthralled with My Controlled Ascent, Jayne Renault, and Knkstriped.

1. Rebel’s Notes

Rebel has been in the top 10 of this list for that last few years as her blog is always of a consistently high standard however over the last year her writing has taken on a new depth and vulnerability as she has tackled a number of difficult subjects relating to her life including grief, depression and the loss of her sex life due to her husbands illness. She has written about these subjects in such a raw and honest way never shying away from the difficult aspects and that is something I hugely admire about her. As well as this she continues to be a force for good within the community, running Wicked Wednesday and of course this year the amazing Smut Marathon. She absolutely deserves this number one spot for being a truly awesome sex blogger.

Follow her on Twitter: @Rebelsnotes

2. Floss Does Life

Floss has absolutely wowed me with her blog this year. It is well designed making it easy to navigate around and serving lots of juicy content. Her writing seems to have blossomed over the last 12 months and she has tackled some challenging kink related topics and also written a whole host of truly delicious erotic fiction. She is force to be reckoned this and I am excited to see what the future holds for her and her blog.

Follow her on Twitter: @_floss_84

3. Temperatures Rising

This is Mrs Fever third year in top 10 of the list which reflects that fact that she continues to write to such a high standard exploring all sorts of topics through think pieces, fiction, pictures and prose. Her writing is exciting, intelligent and thoughtful and I am never not hooked when I read her words.

Follow her on Twitter: N/A

4. Girly Juice

Again another blog that featured in last years top 10. Kate continues to absolutely be at the top of her blogging game producing well written and diverse content.

Follow her on Twitter: @girly_juice

5. Scandarella

When I grow up I want to write erotic fiction like Ella Scandal however her blog is not just fiction but has a wonderful mixture of content that includes reviews, personal essays and fiction. Her writing is always excellent no matter the subject or genre but her fiction is some of the most exciting and diverse erotica around.

Follow her on Twitter:@ella_scandal

6. Coffee and Kink

Amy was one of the two blogs to win the New Voices Awards last year and I had a sneaky feeling that she was going to take that strong start and turn it into something special and she has definitely done that. She writes on a wide variety of topics as well as penning some very sexy erotic fiction. I really think she is one to watch out for in the future.

Follow her on Twitter: @CoffeeAndKink

7. By Aurora Glory

Last year I had a feeling that Aurora was one of the blogs on the list to watch out for and it seems I was right. Despite having a challenging time in her life she has continued to produce excellent content on her blog including reviews, images and powerful personal essays as well continuing to explore fiction writing too.

Follow her on Twitter: @AuroraGloryBlog

8. Sex Matters

Another new name to the top ten this year is May More. Her blog design offers up lots of opportunity for you to discover content and when you do what you find is quality writing across a variety of subjects including some truly fabulous erotic fiction.

Follow her on Twitter: @more_matters

9. The Beautiful Kind

Kendra was in the No.9 spot last year and I am not surprised to see her here again. Her blog is a treasure trove of fascinating content in which she truly shares herself and her life, the good, the bad, the sexy and the not. Her honesty is inspirational in my opinion

Follow her on Twitter: @TBK365

10. Pandora Blake

Pandora/Blake’s blog truly reflects the diverse nature of the work that she does within the adult industry from making queer porn, sex work, sex educator work and her work for Backlash and the against censorship of adult content on the internet. You find all this and more this blog.

Follow them on Twitter:@pandorablake

11 Pain as Pleasure @bibulousone
12 Little Switch Bitch @_littlesbitch
13 Miss Eve E @MissEveBlogs
14 Hey Epiphora @epiphora
15 Candy Snatch @candysreviews
16 Red Hot Suz @redhotsuz
17 Cara Thereon @thereon_cara
18 Mx Nillin @MxNillin
19 Cara Sutra @thecarasutra
20 On Queer Street @OnQueerStreet
21 Brigit Writes @BrigitWrites
22 Submissy @5ubmissy
23 Sexual Destinies @VictoriaVista1
24 The Other Livvy @theotherlivvy
25 Tabitha Rayne @TabithaErotica
26 Super Smash Cache @supersmashcache
27 Miss Scarlet Writes @MissScarletUK
28 The Big Gay Review @thebiggayreview
29 Teachers Have Sex @teachershavesex
30 Miss Ruby Reviews @MissRubyReviews
31 Feisty Fox Films @feistyfoxfilms
32 Kelvin Sparks @ksparksreviews
33 Exposing 40 @exposing40
34 I’m an Adult @Indigoisanadult
35 Innocent Loverboy @innocentlb
36 Submissive Feminist @SubFeminist
37 Victoria Blisse @victoriablisse
38 Phallophile Reviews @phallophilerev
39 Joanne’s Sex Machine @joannesreviews
40 Petra Pan @PetraPanReviews
41 Wriggly Kitty @wriggly_kitty
42 Dildo or DilDont @Makeupandsin
43 A to sub Bee @sub_bee
44 Princess Previews @PrincessPreview
45 Hannah likes dirty words @HannahLockhardt
46 Backwoods Bedroom @bkwoodsbedroom
47 Subs missives @Sum1Sub
48 Pillow Princess Reviews @PillowPrincessR
49 Modesty Ablaze @ablazingmodesty
50 Joellen Notte @JoEllenNotte
51 Emmeline Peaches Reviews @EmmelinePeaches
52 Annie Savoy @asavoywrites
53 Kitten Boheme @kittenboheme
54 Suggestive @suggestive
55 Forbidden Writings @Charlton_Tod
56 Master’s Pleasing Bitch @MPBjulie
57 Kilted Wookie – The Zen Nudist @Kilted_Wookie
58 Cleareyedgirl @_Masterseye
59 Nicci Haydon @NicciHaydon
60 Chronic Sex @chronicsexchat
61 You Won’t Tame This Sassy Cat @sassycat38
62 Le Journal @Little_xsecret
63 Ace in the Hole @_aceinthehole
64 Down the Bunny Rabbit Hole @LuvbunnySL82
65 Isabelle Lauren @romanticisa
66 Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines @JaimeMortimer
67 Midnight at the Oasis @midnightoasis64
68 Maria Open’s Up @MSM1647
69 Love, Violet @fireandhoney
70 HisLordshipUK @hislordshipuk
71 Happy Come Lucky @ht_honey
72 Pieces of Jade @piecesofjade
73 Sex is my New Hobby @sexismynewhobby
74 Steeled Snake @steeledsnake
75 Exhibit A @EA_unadorned
76 Fondlers Aonoymous
77 Cerebral Sexuality @sexcerebral
78 Dr. J @DoctorJAuthor
79 Accidental Masturbator’s sex blog
80 Mischa Eliot @mischa_eliot
81 Ophelia’s @fearlessophelia
82 Eros Blog @ErosBlogBacchus
83 Rain De Grey @raindegrey
84 F Dot Leonora @fdotleonora
85 Miss Jezebella @Miss_Jezebella
86 Asrai Devin @asrai
87 Nookyeverafter @nookysemper
88 Life of Elliot… @elliotthenry36
89 Ina Morata @inamoratawriter
90 Lascivious Lucy @LasciviousLucy
91 Helen’s Toybox @helenstoybox
92 Ayzad @Ayzad
93 Books1799 @Books1799
94 Pillow Talk @posychurchgate
95 RisqueViews @RisqueViews
96 Livvy Libertine @Livvy_Libertine
97 My Sex Life with Lola
98 Krystle In Bed @krystleinbed
99 Bondagegod.com @bondagegod1

 

100. YOU! The last spot is for the all the other awesome sex bloggers out there. It is just not possible to include everyone, I relied on the nominations to gather the list and I am sure there are people missing, but this place is for you because every single one of you counts and contributes towards this community.

Dirty

This one is for you, my nest.

 

I come home one day to find you out back in the garden; you’d come home from a long day at work, ready to relax, only to remember that you’ve got a ton of stuff to take to the tip, and it has to go in the morning – so you’d better load up the car tonight.  By the time I get home, you’ve spent an hour carrying armfuls of heavy rubbish; you’re sweaty, dirty, and sore.  I float in, cool as a breeze after having been in an air conditioned office all day, to see your back muscles flex as you pick up the last load.  You turn around, look me in the eye, and drop it where you stand.

I chuckle.  “Long day, lo-?” I start asking, but before the words are out of my mouth, your lips are pressed against it and you’re clutching me with soil-crusted fingernails, not giving a shit if you leave streaks on my pale peach blouse.

You are ravenous.

You charge, forcing me to the trellis against the back wall of our building – the one with the overflowing plum-colored bougainvillea – and crush the flowers with my back as my purse slides down my arm and slips to the ground.  “Stay,” you order me, as you rummage for something among pots, tools, and patio furniture.  You find a length of twine underneath a pair of gloves and swiftly tie my wrists together like a boatswain before attaching them to the trellis above my head.

Bougainvillea, Flower, Blossom, Bloom

You unbutton my blouse and shove the top of my undershirt under my tits, letting them spill out so you can apply vacuum pressure to my nipples; I’m so taken with surprise that it’s a few minutes before I realize that the neighbors could see this.  All of them.  The thought of it makes my cunt burn.  I want to get on my knees in the earth and take you in my mouth, only I can’t.

As soon as I think it, your belt is unbuckled and your cock is out, popping up from behind the confines of your jeans.  Watching you stroke yourself and not being able to touch you is torture and rapture.  You reach under my skirt and move my knickers to the side so you can gather up my nectar with your fingers to use as lube to stroke yourself with.  I watch you take the flowing juices from my body and use them as your own, wanting to tell you that it’s not fair – if you’re going to smear them on your dick, do it by sliding into me – but I don’t.  Instead, I watch wide-eyed, heart thudding, as you continue to wank with fervor.

Suddenly you stop.  You press your mouth to my ear and whisper, “Do you want my cock inside of you?”  I choke back saliva, and before I can answer, you’re on your knees, yanking my knickers all the way down and my skirt all the way up.  “Well done, love,” you say, taking a hooked finger and drawing silky webs away from my thighs.  I whimper.

You draw up a chair, tell me to spread my legs as wide as I can, and continue wanking.  Deep into your reverie, you stand up and leave me alone outside for a minute, exposed for all the world to see; you come back, work a large dildo into my cunt, and tell me to clamp my legs.  You sit back down and watch me intently while stroking yourself until your pleasure forces you to close your eyes halfway; I try to clench the dildo hard enough to make myself come, but I’m not quite there.  Perhaps you take pity on me seeing me strain – or perhaps you just want to fuck me.  In any case, you stride over, take me down from the trellis, and lead me in by the twine, assuring me that the best is yet to come.

Elust 107

Cammies on the floor Elust107 header

Photo courtesy of Cammies on the Floor

Welcome to Elust 107

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #108? Start with the rules, come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Baby making…

I thought of GotN while fucking

Man-struation

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Room 401

Compost

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

The Shadows Fall Behind You

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too* Continue reading “Elust 107”

On Letting Go

When I was young and foolish (Ha!  “When…”), I made a grave error in judgment.  I had a friend with a great dry wit and a masterful use of language on whom I suddenly and out of nowhere developed a crush.  Not Serious Feelings, but a fun crush with a side of pants feelings.  When we started spending more time together and hooking up, I made the assumption that he felt the same way I did.  I was very honest from the beginning about the fact that I was also dating other people and in no position to be attached to anyone.  And while that was a true sentiment, I specifically wasn’t super attached to him.

Over the first couple of months, it became apparent that he had a real, serious, deep, romantic attachment to me that I didn’t reciprocate.  While I earnestly cared for him and felt a lot of intimate affection for him, I didn’t feel the same way he did… but I continued to date him.  I finally asked him to coffee five months in and broke things off with him, afraid of hurting him more than I already had.  He later told me that he was in love with me, and that I had been careless with his heart.  He was right – I had been.  He cut off communication with me, and I lost a good friend.

For years, I never understood why our friendship had to end just because we stopped dating.  I couldn’t see past the end of my nose.  “But we had such a great connection!”  I thought.  “Surely, that’s worth saving?”  Because I hadn’t had the excruciating experience of being in long-term love with someone who was in a short-term relationship with me, I couldn’t truly empathize with the fact that he needed to stop seeing and talking to me in order to preserve his mental and emotional well-being.  Now, I can see how if we’d stayed friends, every time I brought up a significant other who I had a deep, long-term, and loving commitment to, it would have killed him.

Some say that when it comes to exes, you can either be the type to burn your bridges or fortify them.  For the longest time, I tried to be one of those people who could be friends with all of their exes, no matter how hurtful that friendship was to me.  I would put a huge, Frozen Smile of Enthusiasm on my face when meeting an ex’s new partner, even if I felt like an earthquake was ripping through me.  I thought that in order to show how cool and strong I was, I had to push through my panic and self-loathing and try to be a good friend.  The older I get, however, the more I realize: I don’t have to do that.  I don’t have to do things that make me unhappy just because they might be what other people want.

I’ve only recently come to realize that it’s okay to let go of a friendship when it doesn’t feel good.  I am genuinely friends with some exes for whom I have a deep and abiding platonic love.  I like their partners and feel grateful for the value that their friendships add to my life.  With some of them, the transition from dating to friendship was easy; with others, it took the work of giving and receiving sincere apologies, forgiveness, and empathy.  Once in a very great while, though, the most simple and kind thing for me to do has been to release myself from a friendship that’s not working for me – just like my friend-turned-lover did so many years ago.  Each time I have, it’s made me saner, more confident, and more joyful.  Sometimes, letting go is a necessary act of liberation and self-preservation.

 

Side Note: I wrote this after receiving a lovely email from an ex with whom I’d cut off contact; he wanted to send me a piece of post.  I spent an agonizing 45 minutes crafting the wording of eight short sentences telling him that I’d made the right decision, and I didn’t want to stay in touch.  I laughed after I sent it, realizing that the reason it took me so long to write this email is because I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of this boy who absolutely fucking crushed me.  That’s what women mean when we say we’re socialized to please others.

Elust 106

 

Photo courtesy of submiss34f

Welcome to Elust 106

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #107? Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Orgasms Save Me From Myself

Charlie’s Bar

I’m Not Ready to Love My Body

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Letters and Lonely Hearts

I Want to Curve and Ache

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Don’t fear the smear

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too* Continue reading “Elust 106”

The Misogyny Inherent in Abstinence-Only Education

Sex education in the United States is a clusterfuck; this is news to no one.  Each state creates its own guidelines, meaning that students in different states receive wildly different variations on sex ed – if they receive any at all.  For example, only thirteen states require their sex ed programs to be medically accurate, and five states dictate that homosexuality must be framed negatively if discussed at all.

Last July, the Department of Health and Human Services told organizations which receive five-year grants through the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program that their funding would be cut off this coming June – two years early.  Several of these organizations sued HHS in federal court in order to keep their grants, and many of them won their cases this spring.

While the FY 2018 budget bill maintained funding for the TPPP, HIV prevention programs, and PREP (the Personal Responsibility Education Program, which also gives grants to organizations providing comprehensive sex ed), it also increased grants for abstinence-only education programs.

There is a ton of research studying the efficacy of abstinence-based programs versus comprehensive sex ed programs; while I encourage you to do a deep dive into those numbers, that’s not what I want to focus on.  I wrote my master’s thesis on the impacts of abstinence-only education and would like to impart two things:

  • States that stress abstinence in their schools have higher teen pregnancy and STI transmission rates, and
  • The explicit and implicit messages to young people in abstinence-only curricula are incredibly harmful.

I’d like to expound on the second point.  These programs don’t just tell students not to have sex; they tell students that people who have sex before marriage are damaged.  For my thesis, I got my hands on the teaching materials for three different abstinence-only curricula*; the words risk, life-threatening, promiscuous, addictive, depression, guilt, and shame are used repeatedly throughout these texts to describe young people who have sex.  They describe sexually young women specifically as feeling cheap, used, empty, and full of self-loathing.  One says that abstinence means “freedom from guilt, disappointment, losing respect, and compromising values.”  The curricula that mention sexual harassment, coercion, and rape are chock-full of victim blaming; one even tells girls that “provocative dress is disrespectful to the man you’re with.”  One doesn’t mention sexual coercion at all.

They frame abstinence as a choice, but having sex as a lack of will power. Gender and orientation spectrums are never addressed.  There is no mention of divorce, adultery, or any family structure that’s non-nuclear (making several student populations invisible).  Don’t even get me started on gender roles: According to abstinence-only education, women are weak, emotional victims who need “hours of mental preparation” for sex, while men are irresponsible, predatory liars who “see intimacy as competition.”  The teacher’s guide for one of these programs directs the teacher to “ask a girl” to read the part of a rape victim and to “ask a guy” to read the part of a porn addict.  They tell young people that women need to be provided for and that male partners shouldn’t be criticized because men need to feel competent in order to feel loved.

These language choices are NOT a mistake; the funding guidelines for receiving Title V grant money for abstinence-only programs state that the materials must teach that “a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of sexual activity” and that “sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical affects (italics mine).”

AO curricula also frame sex as something to be given and taken, which brings me to one of many reasons why comprehensive sexuality education is so important: Abstinence-only programs are incredibly misogynistic and lack any component regarding communicating about wants, needs, boundaries, and agency within relationships.  AO curricula reinforce a lot of the shit that members of misogynist movements believe – and that’s a big fucking deal.  A lot has been written about these movements in the past few weeks; what I’d like to contribute to that conversation is that abstinence-only education programs back them up by posing sex as transactional, by propping up binary, stereotypical, and dangerous gender roles, and by saying that women provoke men into predatory sexual behavior.  Detrimental messages about gender roles aren’t just propagated by the media and held up by people we know; some of them are directly taught in schools.

Congress funds AO programs at more than $100 million / year.

In order to survive, PREP and TPPP need a lot of public support, especially now; if you live in the United States and write or call your members of Congress on the regular, you might want to mention this the next time a budget bill comes up. If you don’t, please start.  If you are a parent, please, PLEASE tell your school board that you want your child to receive comprehensive sexual health education.  Not just STI and contraception information, but conversations about healthy relationships, gender, sexuality, and media critique.  It is absolutely imperative that young people have access to curricula that validate their families and lived experiences, that humanizes them, that gives them agency, and that gives them tools to critique the world around them and communicate with love, compassion, and clarity.

Want to know what kind of sex education is taught in your state?  You can find out on the SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the US) website.

 

 

 

*DM or email me if you want the names of the curricula I read.

 

Trust

A few months ago, I wrote a piece on blindfolds for KOTW; when I talked to The Engineer about this, he mentioned that while he loves blindfolding me, he wasn’t really into being blindfolded.  He’s a bit claustrophobic, so I think sensory deprivation and bondage generally aren’t comfortable for him.  But then he said: “If you want to blindfold me, you can.  I trust you.”  My heart melted.

Blindfolded Propaganda Woman Girl Walking

Fast forward to his recent visit; I was giving him a long body massage next to the fire one night, and inspiration struck.  I asked him to turn over to his back; I grabbed my new furry blindfold and asked gently if I could put it on.  The atmosphere was relaxed – candles, soft music, wine, warm and loving hands.  I started out by touching his legs, arms, and stomach, and then moved onto his cock – hard as a rock – taking it alternately into my mouth as far as I could and then back into my hands, stroking it and running my tongue along its length.  I sidled my body up his oiled body so that I could kiss him.  Being kissed (especially a deep, sensual kiss) while blindfolded is a singular experience.  It feels so intimate and electric because the sense of touch is heightened.  All of the other senses are heightened.  An ecstatic whimper emerged from his throat, and it was a beautiful sound to behold.

Roused by my memories of Sex and Lucia (if you haven’t seen this movie, stop reading right now and go watch it), I wet a finger and traced it along his lips; I dipped one nipple between his parted lips, followed by the other, which he relished.  I raised myself so I could kneel over his face and gently lower my clit onto his waiting tongue; I’m sure the pressure of my knees against his ears and the resulting lack of sound added to his expanded tactile experience.  He lapped at my swollen vulva, sticky with webs of viscous juices, until I needed him inside of me.  I straddled his cock and slid him into my longing cunt.  Usually the first contact is the most exquisite; especially so in this case.  While riding him, I took off the blindfold and kissed him.  We ended up having some of the best sex we’ve ever had – I felt so deeply entwined with him and completely present in the moment; he told me later that he felt the same.

Sometimes experimentation goes awry; however, sometimes it opens us up to new and exhilarating feelings and experiences.  If you have a partner you deeply trust, try something new with them that you never thought you would like.  You may end up having a pretty fucking great night.

Pulse

The very first time I remember feeling pleasure on my clitoris and trying to recreate it was when I was twelve(ish?); clamping my hands around the edge of the deep end of a swimming pool, I remember feeling jets of water rushing over my crotch and thinking, “Hey, that feels pretty great; I wonder if I can do that in my very own bathtub?”  And indeed, I could!  That’s right, folks: I started wanking because of the Young Men’s Christian Association.  Thanks, YMCA.

When I was older and started using vibrators, I noticed that they gave me completely different sensations and orgasms; while I lasted longer using a vibrator, the orgasms I had were less intense.  I never thought I’d find a toy that gave me the same sensations that a strong jet of water could… but the toy has finally found me.  The pressure waves / pressurized air pulses of the Satisfyer toys (and the Womanizer toys, I’m sure) feel very much like water to me.  This is kind of bittersweet: While I get off faster and more efficiently, as soon as I come, I need the stimulation off my clit immediately, whereas with a vibrator, it might take me longer to climax, but I can keep it on my clit and continue to wank because the sensations don’t overstimulate me.

Specs

I (along with a TON of other sex bloggers) was sent three different Satisfyer toys to try out in exchange for an honest review – the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibrate, the Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit, and the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples.  All three:

  • use “air pulse technology” to create a kind of suction feeling
  • have a removable nozzle on the head for easy cleaning
  • are white with champagne / rose-colored accents
  • are waterproof and can therefore be submerged
  • are USB-rechargeable and connect to the chargers magnetically
  • have eleven levels of intensity for the wave / suction nozzle
  • have ten vibration patterns for the vibe; the patterns are similar to those on other vibrating toys
  • become a LOT more buzzy at higher vibration levels
  • cost $60 at the US Satisfyer website
  • are made of silicone and ABS plastic
  • have separate buttons for suction and vibration; you have to cycle through the vibration patterns but are able to raise and lower the suction level with separate buttons on all of them
  • have warnings in the user manuals not to “product to stimulate any part of the body for more than 15 minutes,” which is a bit worrisome.
  • are more easy to seal against the clit with a bit of lube
  • have an initial charge time of 2 – 8 hours

Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration

Charge time: 2 hours   Use time: 2 hours

You press and hold the button with the wave symbol on it in order to start and stop the vibrations; press and hold the button with the power symbol on it to start and stop the suction waves, which was confusing at first and ended up with me turning on the rather loud vibrator when I’d meant to turn on the quieter air pulse nozzle… I don’t live alone, so I rely on quiet toys for discreet wanking.  The manual says that you should “spread the labia apart to expose the clitoris” as to “perfectly position the pressure wave stimulator”; however, because my clit is so sensitive, I didn’t need to form a seal or position it perfectly – it got me off when loosely placed and on low settings.  This might not be true for someone who prefers or needs stronger or more intense stimulation.  The Pro Plus has a curved shape, and the buttons are super accessible (the power buttons are also different sizes, making it easy to distinguish between them if you can’t see them); while I love the way it fits into my hand, I can’t stop thinking that it looks like a penis fish / other various sea worms!  Take that as you will.  I use this toy often and love it; my favorite thing about it is that because of the way the nozzle is set up, when I turn on the vibrator, it vibrates around my clit.  As previously stated, I have a super sensitive clitoris, so I’m not a huge fan of direct stimulation; I love that I can use this toy as a vibrator when I want a more languid wank and as an air pulse toy when I just need a quick release.

Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit

Charge time: 3 hours    Use time: 2 hours

Both the air pressure waves and the vibrations of the rabbit are quieter than those on the Pro Plus Vibration model, which is nice if you don’t want to be heard; in this model, you just press and hold the increase button for the air pulse nozzle instead of pressing a power button, which I actually prefer (I found it less confusing).  Although I personally enjoy them, I wouldn’t recommend rabbit-style toys in general; as most of them have an immobile arm for clit stim, the chances that they’ll fit everyone’s anatomy are slim to none.  With this toy in particular, fit is important as many folks find that they need a seal around their clit in order to get off with the air pulse nozzle.  The Satisfyer Rabbit has an edge / ridge around the dildo part; I find it super uncomfortable and prefer a more round / smooth dildo.  Overall, I’m not really into this toy; I’d prefer a combination of a regular dildo and the Pro Plus so that I can take the stimulation off my clit immediately after I come, but keep using the dildo.

Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples

Charge time: 1.5 hours      Use time: 70 minutes

This model has the same controls as the Pro Plus Vibration model.  This was the first time I’ve ever used a couple’s toy; I’ve been super curious about all of the insertable WeVibes, for instance, but I wasn’t willing to shell out over $100 as someone whose primary partner lives on another continent.  Good thing, because I’m guessing they’d be as disappointing as this toy is.  It seems to me that the whole point of having toys like this is that you get a hands-free clitoral stimulator while having partnered penetrative sex… but the thing wouldn’t stay in.  I had to hold it in place the whole time, and it kept slipping and sliding around my clit because of the thrusting motions.  I also had a really difficult time feeling where the buttons were when it was in so I could raise and lower the pulse level.  I was able to get off with it, but only when I was on top of my partner and only when I was rocking more than riding.  Furthermore, the piece that’s meant to sit inside the vagina felt a bit sharp to me because it has a pointed shape; it was uncomfortable for me and my partner both, and I think a more round shape would be more comfortable.  This toy also has the same problem that the rabbit does: Not everyone’s body is shaped the same, and because the toy comes in one size, it will fit some people’s anatomy and not others’.  If I want clitoral stimulation during PIV / strap-on sex in the future, I’d feel better off with either a cock ring or a small hand-held vibrator (or a small air pulse toy like the Satisfyer Penguin).

In general, I really love the feeling of the air pressure waves / pulses in all of the Satisfyer toys; they’re completely different than motor-driven vibrations and great for a quick, efficient wank.  They feel pretty great on nipples as well!  The fact that these toys are rechargeable and can be completely submerged (and are quieter when they are) are huge selling points, and the chargers are fantastic.  I’m personally not into the white color; it feels too clinical, and I prefer bright, bold colors (anything but fucking pink).  Everyone has different preferences, however, and some reviewers are really into the white color.  I also love how affordable these toys are; that said, professional sex toy reviewers have had some problems with the quality of the toys, and I haven’t had the toys long enough to be able to say how long they will last / function.

Final verdict: If you’re on a budget, don’t care about noise level (the toys can get pretty loud), and like a quick and intense release, I’d highly recommend the Pro Plus.  The sensations are unique, the toy can be adapted for different body parts and types, and you can use both the vibrator and the air pulse nozzle when you’re feeling up for one or the other (or both)!  I think it would be a fabulous toy to attempt to edge with while wanking.

Special Announcement!

If you’d like to purchase one of these lovely toys for yourself or someone you love to celebrate Jesus becoming a zombie, you can get a 25% discount on any of Satisfyer’s toys from March 30th – April 2nd (ends at 11:59 pm MESZ) with discount code teachershavesex25 at www.satisfyer.com.  Toys can only be mailed to Europe, Canada, and the US.

 

PrinciPAL

As Livvy did such an ace job writing a doctor parody, I thought I’d take a crack at writing an education parody for EuphOff!  It feels a bit more lilac than purple, but it is full of absolutely terrible puns.  I’m not actually entering the contest because I also have the exact same toys to give away and am still trying to figure out the best way to do that (Satisfyer reviews forthcoming!), but this was SO much fun to write.  Also, trigger warning: This is a piece about an administrator and a high school student.

“I hear you’ve been behaving very badly,” Principal Johnson said, cupping Tina’s chin in his rugged, yet tender, hand.  Tina looked down at her cheeky cleavage and blushed; her button-down white uniform shirt could barely contain her nubile breasts.  “I don’t know what you mean,” she said innocently, her enchanting eyelashes fluttering just so.  “You’re supposed to graduate next week, Tina,” Mr. Johnson said – “but I don’t think that’s going to happen with an F in English.”  “But Mr. Johnson, that teacher doesn’t like me!” Tina protested with a startling urgency.  “I think she’s jealous,” she pouted.

“And what might she be jealous of?” Mr. Johnson asked.  “She keeps making snide remarks about my body,” Tina said, finally looking Mr. Johnson in the eye. “She says that skirt length has an inverse relationship with depth of thought – but I have an A in all my other classes.  Do you think my skirt is too short?”  “I don’t know, Tina,” he replied.  “I’ll have to examine the evidence.”  Tina stood up; he walked languidly around his desk, stepped behind her, and crouched down, her apple bottom teasing his bulging eyes.  “Now,” he said, “You know your skirt isn’t supposed to be shorter than two inches above your knee.”  He ran his animated fingers up the backs of her trembling thighs until they reached the elevated hem of her skirt, far too scant for a schoolgirl.

“I have to graduate, Mr. Johnson,” Tina pleaded with crystalline teardrops threatening to fall from her large, impassioned blue eyes.  “Isn’t there something you can do to help me?”  “Perhaps,” Mr. Johnson said in a composed voice.  “I want to see just how bad you really are – let’s have a look at your best practices.”  “Sir?” Tina asked, her heart thudding in her chest like a timpani drum.  He continued moving his hands upward, under her skirt, until they reached the three-way junction of her thong.  “Tina, Tina, Tina,” he tutted, his fingers hooked into the skimpy strings, “I don’t think this is what a scholar would wear to study hall.”  I’d love to study your hall, he thought, suppressing a smile.

“But sir –” she started.  Mr. Johnson cut her off.  “It’s no use trying to talk your way out this time, Tina.  You’re going to have to show me that you’re willing to work to get me – er, your grade – up.”  He could feel his principal organ doing some higher-order thinking skills under his trousers.  “Yes, sir,” she said in a husky voice, feeling a few participatory flutters herself.  Mr. Johnson placed a piece of paper and a number two pencil on his desk; she loved the smell of his wood.  “Now, Tina,” he said – “You’re failing English, right?”  “Yes, sir,” she confirmed.  “I’m going to give you a few vocabulary words,” he said; “I want you to write them down, along with their definition and their part of speech.  Think you can do that?”  “Oh, yes, sir!” she said, eager to commence.  As she tipped her youthful bosom over the slender paper and took the pencil in her delicate fingers, he lifted her skirt.  “There’s no question about it,” he said.  “I’d like to punctuate your bottom.”

“Mr. Johnson?” she queried, a puzzled look in her eye. “Never you mind,” he said.  “Your first word is turgid.”  T-u-r-g-e-d, she wrote.  Looking so closely over her shoulder that he could smell her rose perfume, he gave her ass a thwack.  “Incorrect spelling,” he said.  Her cheeks flushed; he looked down and noticed his participle was no longer dangling.  Adjective, she wrote next to it.  “Good,” he said.  “And the definition?”  “I- I don’t know, sir,” she admitted.  “You’ll find out soon enough,” he said, adjusting himself.  “I don’t think this written assessment will work, Tina.  But don’t worry – we can do a performance assessment.”  “Oh, thank you, sir!” she said.  “Yesssss,” he drawled.  “We’re going to do some daily oral language.” She turned around to look at him as he unbuckled his belt.

“Now that’s a proper noun,” she said, looking at his pulsing paste-maker.  “I bet you’ve got quite a portfolio, Principal Johnson.”  He chuckled.  “I think you’re getting it, Tina,” he said, knowing his semi-moist treat stick was also about to get it.  “You’re going to make an excellent subordinate clause.  And remember,” he said as she dropped to her knees, her succulent lips parting as she readied for her hot lunch: “Show your work.  If you do well on this assignment, we can move on to conjugation.”